Ambrose Backdoor Soho
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SoHo, Revisited

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★★★★☆

Ambrose, as a brand, is particularly infamous for relying upon gimmicks in pursuit of customers. It's not particularly surprising; this far behind the veil, it's hard to surprise potential consumers. Harder still to surprise a representative of Marshall Carter & Dark, though I'm pleased to say I was pleasantly surprised with the novelty displayed within.

In accordance to my strict deiphage diet, the dishes that I ordered were the Scarlet Calamari, the Manhattan Shoggoth Chowder, the Primavera of the Old Gods, the cheesecake, and the Golden Orange Cider. I'm pleased to report that not only was each course beautifully prepared, but that the establishment avoided falling to the shortcomings of a great many older deiphagy establishments.

I found the general gallery to be interesting enough, being a good mix of artistic medium and style. Of the selection, most would fit right at home in the den of a savvy collector. My only complaint was that, compared to the Violet Gallery, the main floor felt somewhat thematically haphazard.

My biggest complaint largely regards the opening night music show. While I suppose a representative of Marshall Carter & Dark would be the last woman one expects to cry for artistic integrity, inviting an anticapitalist art collective to such a naked display of conspicuous consumption was predictably disastrous, no matter how much one hid it underneath a veneer of "performance art". House of Spades and It's Free Jazz! in particular (groups which I've made my distaste for quite clear) worked rather hard to subvert the establishment ambiance.

If not for Luna Zapata's hauntingly beautiful violin, I'd have written off the experience and told you, the reader, not to go. I suppose, however, that some art is just not for me.

As an aside: the building appears to be haunted, which is always a plus. Coming off of Mrs. Zapata's marvelous rendition of the Devil's Trill, I witnessed a weeping woman disappearing into a wall.

~Abigail del Toro

★★★★★

CERTAINLY THE ART WORLD OF EARTH IS PECULIAR THOUGH FROM TESTIMONY THROUGH FELLOW ILLUMINATED AMBASSADORS I HAD ASSUMED IT HOSTILE AND UNINHABITABLE

HAVING NO NEED FOR THE PRIMITIVE SUSTENANCE I DID NOT PARTAKE

THE MUSIC FELT PLEASANTLY GRIM AND THE VARIOUS INSTALLATIONS WERE DELIGHTFUL DIVERSIONS

ESPECIALLY THE INTERMITTENT FIDDLE

~ THE CHROMATIC VIZIER

Restaurant Response: Thank you for your patronage! Do note, however, that we did not schedule a fiddler during your visit. You likely heard the cellist.

★★★☆☆

Food was fucking fantastic. I really don't expect much more from Ambrose than cheap gimmicks pandering to the lowest common regional denominator, but if there's one thing I can say about the food, is that it's nearly always good in spite of such.

The art? Not so much.

In my time eating there, I counted no less than four performance artists, done up as famished specters straight out of one of those pretentious "die-ins" you'd see the liberals fawn over back in the 90s.

~Robert Stone

Restaurant Response: That does not sound like the act we had scheduled for your visit. We'll investigate this matter further, but in the mean time, a reimbursment may be in order.

★☆☆☆☆

Alright, I've tried, you know? To get into the art scene, not as an artist but as a man who goes to art galleries. I want to have fun, you know? Not be bombarded with performative woke nonsense, spearheaded by some hack who thinks she's clever.

I counted about two times where a woman with a violin would approach me, glare sternly in my direction, and play a(n admittedly rather nice) solo before storming off. Afterwords, I would be accosted by a series of (admittedly rather convincing) actors playing the role of… I don't know, ghosts of Christmas? All "please don't turn off my heat" this and "give me two more weeks" that, some naked attempt to tug at heartstrings. If I wanted to feel bad about dead poor people, I'd have seen the all-revenant showing of Rent across the street.

Food was alright I guess.

~Yoshida Shoko

Restaurant Response: We seem to be experiencing unexpected difficulties. Thank you for your patience.

★☆☆☆☆

Business is booming and, you know, I wanted to treat myself to a treat. I thought "Hey, why not check out that new place", because, you know, I like checking out the new places, and I'm pretty sure I'll die if I gotta eat any more Chinese food.

Bad idea!

To call this place a shithole would be an insult to every roach-infested shithole in this fuckin' city. The roaches down at the 1.618 Bistro, they don't play the violin as they crawl the fuckin' walls. They're not covered in human blood and they don't beg me not to evict 'em. I don't have to see my fuckin' servers chasin' 'em with a fuckin' broom, Ion H. Christ.

One star. Helen post review

~ Márkkos Cohen

Restaurant Response: We're sorry you feel that way. Please be patient.

★☆☆☆☆

Was anyone going to tell me the property was infested by an utter deluge of ghosts, or was I just supposed to experience that for myself?

~ Phy Rithipol

Restaurant Response: Please do not slander our establishment. [wait for Stone to find a legal loophole out of a "ghost" accusation then wait for him to draft a response]

Restaurant Response: Our account was hacked. The intern responsible has been fired.

★☆☆☆☆

Great, cool, close my reservation because of "ongoing ghost problem". It's not like I booked it three weeks in advance or anything!

Fucking SJW cucks, too busy coddling a buncha millennial crybabies who can't stand a little ectoplasm. Olive Garden would never do this to me.

~ UraniumEmpire

☆☆☆☆☆

Holy Heck! You've just found yourself your very own Mrs. Gentrification by Gamers Against Weed! Learn your history, cause it's doomed to repeat! Who is Dr. Wondertainment?

Find them all and become Mr. Gamer!

01. Mr. Literal Serial Killer
02. Mr. Normie
03. Mr. Bernie Sanders
04. Mr. Get Anything For Free In Any Shop
20. Mr. Sex Number
21. Mr. Heavenly Virtues
22. Mr. Deadly Sins
23. Mr. Original Character
24. Mr. D.A.R.E.
25. Mrs. Gentrification ✔
26. Ms. Mad About Video Games
27. Mr. Meme
28. Mr. Ominous (discontinued)
29. Mr. Destiny
30. Mr. Monty Python And The Holy Grail
31. Ms. Zapatista
32. Mr. Hax
33. Mr. Just Has The Tattoo
34. Mr. Top Text and Mr. Bottom Text
35. Mr. Finale

~ Luna Zapata


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