I'm still worried about the density/clarity of this one, and I've gone as far as I dare to with the monologue without wholly spoiling it in article, so I'mma just leave this spoiler here in case it's just too dense (and hopefully people can help make it more clear if it is too dense)
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Now I feel dumb. Through the whole thing, I never once recalled that meaning of "dreams". Doy.
Can you send somebody around to eat my stupid now?
I am so plussing this.
I like it. It's unsettling and weird, and well written. The monologue in the middle was off-putting and creepy, without getting into silly or absurd territory. People writing Insane RamblingsTM tend to go way overboard, but you hit the mark right on with yours.
+1
There's so much potential to tales involving this. What do these eaters do with dreams containing SCP-990? Do workers of SCP-838 get their jobs affected by the eaters? Can SCP-1237 afflicted people create and destroy these eaters?
The individuals numbered between 4 and 7, both male and female, and appear to follow set paths through the building, culminating in SCP-1706's containment area before exiting.
Might wanna fix that. I'd fix it for you, but I don't want to word it in a way you wouldn't word it.
I dont understand what isbwrong but if there is what is it?
I'm gonna take a wild swing and say Optimal may be reading it as "four to seven individuals, and both were male and female" whereas this construction really means "a group of four to seven, which included both male and female members". It's not wrong at all (actually, the error is "appear" should be "appeared"), but if you wanted to be just a teensy bit clearer, you could remove "both".
I'd like some clarification on how exactly its effect is triggered. From watching the DVD? From playing it? Is it a constant effect?
I'd also suggest moving the description of the pilot down, maybe bundle it into its own addendum with the transcript. That way the structure is what it is->what it does->details on contents, and you get both parts of that last bit all together.
I like how hard to contain this is. :)
I dunno. To me, it would read better if you removed the "and". So like this:
The individuals numbered between 4 and 7, both male and female, appear to follow set paths through the building…
The "and" sounds unnecessary to me. But if it sounds right to everyone else, then I guess there's something wrong with how I read.
Edit: Or you could also throw an "are" in there. Example:
The individuals are numbered between 4 and 7, both male and female, and appear to follow set paths through the building…
That's a few too many modifying phrases, though. It's better, I think, to leave "number" as a verb and let the clause stand as "Individuals numbered… and appeared…" Like I said, it's really "appear" not being in the past tense that's the error here, and that might be throwing you off.
Fixed a less/fewer error, but hesitant to actually add words, so I'll just say that there should be an "or" in this sentence because it technically changes the meaning of the sentence:
Medical evaluations have shown no signs of insomnia, sleep apnea, and negligible levels of fatigue, stress, and anxiety.
Specifically, should be "insomnia or sleep apnea", otherwise you have the medical evaluations showing no signs of negligible levels of fatigue, stress, and anxiety.
On a non-grammar level, this reminds me of a more sinister version of baku, except taken in a completely different direction.
Piffy is an SCP Foundation Moderator, Lv. 9001 Squishy Wizard, and Knight of the Red Pen.
The "Eaters" literally eat "dreams" as in goals, wants, lusts, desires.
/forum/t-1030925/scp-1706#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
