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Well, here it is. Another attempt to make an X-Man work.
Let me get one thing out the way: Yes, I'm aware of the entire X-Man Syndrome that no doubt pops into your mind upon first glance of this article. That's sort've the point. I thoroughly enjoy Humanoid SCP's, or at least the ones done right. I think the idea of some of these humanoid SCPs trying to become "heroes" or "villians" would become natural, especially with its current prevalence in pop culture. I always found the Foundation as the harsh reality that would face these beings if they were real. Any who…
My favorite film is Unbreakable. In particular, I love the implication that art more often imitates life than vice versa. I wanted to explore this with the Superman character concept and, hopefully, break the illusion of heroic vigilantism.
Mugshot
https://es.wikipedia.org/wiki/Archivo:Yanni.jpg
Broken Arm
https://farm1.staticflickr.com/110/291472553_0d883544c6_b.jpg
"Flying" Man (Yours Truly Created It)
Components I used
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/677420
https://pixabay.com/vectors/automobile-transport-car-lantern-1029929/
https://pxhere.com/en/photo/1038945
Knife
https://www.knifeblog.com/what-to-do-with-a-bent-knife/
Special, special thanks are given to Pachayachachic for some amazing ideas on where to take this along with TheMightyMcB, who greenlit the concept along with Zyn. Oh, and I can't forget about BlackMagicFine and RockTeethMothEyes who critiqued this painstakingly well.
Cheers!
I'm so glad this made it to the main list! This is very good stuff. The idea is kind of cliche, but I think it works out. You really get a feel for the character you've created as a person.
After seeing the draft and seeing the improvements you've made, I can confidently upvote this.
This is a hard one for me. Prose-wise, it's strong; you write clear, tight sentences. The interviews are solid, and the article is relatively well-paced and structured (though I think the first addendum with all the evidence is probably unnecessary).
Otherwise?
It's not just that it's an X-Man skip; the moment you hit the "Jerry was his name. Jerry Siegal" bit, I suppressed a groan. And keep in mind, I love superheroes (I'm a huge Superman nerd, and loved Unbreakable)! But that just felt way too contrived for me.
I think that if the "I Inspired Jerry Siegal To Co-Create Superman" bit wasn't here, I'd probably be tentatively upvoting — I'd even be upvoting if the Jerry Siegal thing was just an easter-egg (casually mentioning his name is "Jerry" at some point). But the way you frame it in this interview gives that reveal a sense of gravitas that makes the entire article feel (to me) like a convoluted attempt to retroactively explain Superman was really an anomalous guy who saved Jerry Siegal's life. I'd much prefer this if he was inspired to become Superman by the comics themselves rather than inspiring the comics.
Take this with prescription grade salt — maybe it's just my own personal biases getting in the way. I will say that, for what amounts to an X-Man skip, this is very well done. If we're going to have people with super-powers on the SCP-wiki (and I'm not at all opposed to that!), I'd be happy to see them demonstrate even just half of the amount of polish you're presenting here (prose-wise, image-wise, and structurally).
Anyway, to summarize: Tentatively a no-vote… but with an addendum that given the amount of polish and strong writing I'm seeing here, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more from you despite not being able to upvote.
Good luck with the article!
I actually wrestled with the idea of omitting the Jerry connection for a great while. Eventually, I decided to stick with the story, and, admittedly, I can be a bit of idealist, often times too much. I greatly appreciate the feedback!
Also, I'm glad you appreciate the polish that went into this! I figured I might as well put that Photoshop and English 102 course to the test. This has been a boost of confidence for me; you'll definitely see more on the site.
What keeps the "Jerry Siegal" thing from breaking it for me is that the comics aren't about 4128. Neither the comic books nor the character are anomalous, they are still the product of the creators' imaginations. One inexplicable sight and one bullshit comment were just the spark that got the imagination going — not a substitute for it.
I also like the life-imitating-art-imitating-life aspect of 4128 trying to live up to the "Superman" mythos (and failing, because he's only human, and doesn't have writers that make sure everything works out in the end.)
I really love this and i feel like it pairs amazingly well with "Your Friendly Neighborhood Keter". I can definitely dig more of the foundation trying to deal with wannabe super heroes
I’m glad you like it! I think it would be a normal reaction if someone gained anomalous abilities. Of course, there’s a harsh reality that will come with that and the Foundation is a part of it. Think of the ending of Glass.
The tone and dialogue here are both really good: you characterize this guy much more than you would expect from an "X-Man". There was definitely an understanding that there's a human inside of there, and that there aren't any clear "villains" either, that they're humans too (albeit ones that have made some mistakes).
Also I know I'm a bit weird for like containment procedures so much, but I enjoyed yours. They hinted at "this guy is really strong" without falling for dumb coldpost shit like titanium or ridiculously thick cell walls.
That said, there were a number of minor issues that betrayed this as an first-time work.
Some issues like missing spaces or incorrect/weird formatting:
formerly know as Samson Sachs
Mobile Task Force-Iota 10
(should be Mobile Task Force Iota-10 or MTF-Iota-10. The spelled out version of MTF shouldn't have a dash after it)
MTF-Iota 10
Same here. MTF-Iota-10 is fine, as is MTF Iota-10, but not this.
Foundation Agents
Foundation is always capitalized, but "agents" here is a generic noun
amnestic's
(several places) Apostrophes mean you're eliding a character, in this case the "i" in "is".
Dear God, I just watched him h-hold his kid. I couldn't save him. I couldn't-
You should add the "SCP-4128:" prefix here since you cut it off at the top and bottom with described actions.
You use centered text way too much. Titles should be centered, but the body of the content should be left aligned or justified. The images also shouldn't be right aligned like that, though admittedly that is more difficult as they are premade components.
The confiscated items list should use bullets, or at the very least be left-aligned.
Not a style issue, but
Upon SCP-4128 calling the authorities, dispatch transported the subject to Atlanta's ██ Precinct.
I don't know of any areas called "Atlanta" in Brooklyn. Maybe change this?
Also uh, why are they called "Limited Events"? I sort of see how it's similar to a comic book edition kind of feel, but the Foundation would probably describe them as documents, or incident reports, or something like that.
Overall, +1
I went crazy. I went stupid.
Edit: I’ve fixed most of the issues here! As far as aligning the description text to the right, I’m figuring out how to. It ends up collapsing one of the L.E. Event Logs into another and idk why. I actually tried adding bulletins to the confiscated items list and aligning it to the right, but in the end it just felt odd in structure.
Thank you for picking these things up!
Yeah wikidot has wack formatting. Looking at your source, it seems that you wrap all the interviews in a `[[=]]`. You should just add a `[[=]] … [[/=]]` around the headers and other fields you specifically want centered.
As a fellow author of an SCP X-man, I whole-heartedly approve of this. She and him would make a good team.
Maybe 4818 can be a light for our friend. Badum-Tsk
I just thought I'd add that while I never named her in the SCP itself, I've decided her name is Leora Lightfoot.
One small correction - his name is Jerry Siegel, not Siegal.
I was a bit hesitant at first because of the obvious Unbreakable inspiration this has, to the point that it almost felt like a copy. Thankfully, this went beyond that and actually touched upon something I think Unbreakable failed to: actually having real world consequences in vigilantism. Bruce Willis beating up a rapist/murderer is good for a first step, but we never got to see how he dealt with toning back his strength or dealing with the law or the aftermath of his actions. I also liked how the SCPs mistake wasn't getting pissed and beating a rapist or serial killer to death, but rather being startled and messing up. It feels more grounded.
That being said, my biggest beef with this is something that pops up a lot in some articles. Convoluted language =/= professionalism. Having the interviewer use unnecessarily complicated jargon doesn't make them seem genuine, but rather a pretentious ass for using "Do you possess the ability of anatomical aviation?" instead of "can you fly?" like any normal person. Seriously, psychologists and psychiatrists don't talk like some b-movie scientists. They want to understand their patient, not assert their intellectual superiority. Overall the interviewing Dr. felt really dry and emotionless, and took me out of an otherwise pretty good story.
Novote
I'm glad you appreciated the story, friend. However, I do find it unfortunate that such a seemingly minor detail could derail your opinion of the article, but nonetheless, I respect your feedback.
It wasn't just the specific phrase, but rather the general tone of the interviewer feeling a bit forced on their language. Giving the entire article another read, though, I found it less annoying than before, so either you changed more than the flying bit, or I was too harsh. Either way, after letting it simmer on my mind a bit I decided it isn't enough for me to not upvote, seeing as otherwise I like the rest of the story.
Changed to +1
On closer inspection, I see what you mean. I’ll keep this in mind for all future works!
Might not matter but, may I ask, why the image change?
The previous mugshot was a state one, not a federal. :(
This was great. I was worried it wouldn't work, but I ended up liking it a lot.
