SCP Foundation

"The foreigner is here. Grab the money, and guard the door." Tsuyaki said to the guards on either side of him.

Feel like you could get rid of this and show Momo just pointing at the protag/door and the guards moving to do what he is saying here… then the next line doesn’t feel so repetitive.

"So tell me. Did you steal this money?"

/Make this a part of the paragraph above, so its clear Momo is speaking.

"There are things I want to put behind me." Tsuyaki takes a long drag on his cigarette.

//This makes me think it is Momo saying the line, when you leave a dialogue tag, it should be of the person speaking. This happens a few times and makes it hard to follow who is speaking.

"Is there a fucking boat!"

This should have a question mark or maybe ?!

"I read your file… They will get you eventually… The GOC doesn't leave loose ends." He says as you hold the gun to his head. You pull the trigger.

//You should break dialogue into its own paragraph, only keeping dialogue tags connected, and then start a new paragraph with “You pull the trigger”

Akhiabara, Japan

Pretty sure Akhiabara is just a district of Tokyo

Echo: We are on the 3rd floor…

Suggest adding in contractions, people don’t usually say “We are” they say “We’re”… this goes for any spoken dialogue

The reality instability is shown to be at its most extreme, and has caused the hallway leading out of the stairwell to stretch infinitely.

So you explain a little but I would describe more here… “most extreme” seems worse than the Hallway extending forever.//

The living room is in complete fluctuation, and in the middle is a young girl around the age of 14.

Suggest explaining the fluctuations.. then break out the description of the girl in another sentence, also suggest saying “young teenager girl” as its hard to guess age by looking.

• I think you need to up the scary factor about this reality warping, and describe more of the chaos… to raise them stakes

A tip was given to the GOC that Roach had requested work from the owner of the V-House. When a strike was sent to the location, they discovered the entire staff of the club had been murdered. The crime is suspected to have been committed by Roach, though the strike team was unable to locate the fugitive. At this time Roach is still at large.

Is V-House where we originally saw the protag going through time a bunch?

"You here to talk to the boss?"

Personally, I feel like this should be its own separate line.

He smiles when you arrive at his desk.

I can't place my finger on it, but this just seems out of flow for the rest of the interaction. You'd think this guy would smile on first seeing him, or as he was lighting the cigarette.

"Thank you." Tsuyaki leans back in his chair, and lights a cigarette.

"So tell me, how did you get this money?" Tsuyaki blows smoke into your face as he talks.

You could probably combine this into one paragraph: "Thank you." Tsuyaki leans back in his chair, and lights a cigarette. He blows smoke into your face as he continues to talk. "So tell me, how did you get this money?"

"Really? Not many people who come to me have 10,000,000 yen. It's even stranger that a foreigner would." Tsuyaki leans forward.

"So tell me. Did you steal this money?"

Same here.

"No, I don't like having a target on my back." Tsuyaki begins to laugh.

"I guess that's why you want me to smuggle you off the island." You remain silent as you wait for your reward.

Yet more weird line breaking. I think it flows better as:

"No, I don't like having a target on my back."

"I guess that's why you want me to smuggle you off the island." Tsuyaki begins to laugh.

You remain silent as you wait for your reward.

"Or are you running from the GOC?"

Probably would combine this with the paragraph above it.

Tsuyaki's eyes dart behind you for a brief moment.

Make this separate from the reader's dialogue. At this point, I think you get my drift. Keep Tsuyaki's actions separate from the reader's dialogue, and vice versa. I'm going to stop pointing it out now.

You simultaneously remove your gun, and shoot the right in the chest.

Did you accidentally a word here?

"I would never help you. Traitors deserve to die." Tsuyaki begins to laugh.

Yeah, this is some Snidely Whiplash levels of villain dialogue here, my dude. I imagine people who just had a gun fired next to their head are not quite cartoony when they speak.

When the three guards rush around the corner, you begin to open fire. one goes down, as the others duck behind cover, and return fire.

Ending two sentences after another with the same word always parses weird to me. Might want to switch up the vocab for one of these two.

The only survivors of the operation was Roach and fellow
strike team members Echo and Blanket. After review of the

Weird line break here.

First of all, I’d suggest seeking out a critiquer with experience in line-by-line and structural critique. There were definitely some typos here and there, and the lack of line breaks in some places made it difficult to parse through.

It’s also difficult for me to judge this piece on its own, frankly. It’s very obviously part of a series, considering how ‘Honey’ would be quite a wasted element otherwise. Whether or not this story stands on its own two feet, however, depends on the action prose. Whether that works, in turn, depends on its flow. At the moment, the majority of your fight scenes are crammed into single paragraphs. I’d recommend respacing those a bit to let your scenes breathe.

Besides that, I’m afraid I don’t have much experience when it comes to the first element in a series. I know it can be a tricky thing to do, especially considering the need to establish stakes and characters. I’d recommend also reaching out to a critter with experience in series or serial tales.