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This is the discussion related to the wiki page Hello World.
Li'l Thorn's moving up in the world :')
If I read your dialogue, and automatically picture Tommy Wiseau reading it, you have not written good dialogue.
Uh… other stuff. It's not particularly interesting to me. Grape feels like the stock "question-authority-always-argues" dude, Thorn is the plucky kid, etc. Alex's emotional outburst feels overdone and cheesy. The character interaction is supposed to be the main meat of this and I'm just not feeling it.
This may win the award for nitpick of the month but I feel like the descriptions of the AI meeting might read better in present tense.
Hey, some more AI shenanigans, and a Director Aktus appearance. NeatO.
I feel that this is a good setup for any tale series involving Kappa-10. You lets us know their mission, sets the stage for the relationships between the characters, etc. A grand old time. Additionally, the emoticons (emoji's? faces? word to describe the face images used here?) for the AIs are adorable.
+1. I'm liking Kappa-10 more and more.
I had downvoted the prior AIAD stuff based somewhat on some of the concerns that I see referenced here. In those cases, I felt that the format was too much the focus, much like a mainlist article will attempt to BS its way to success on the strength of a format screw. While I don't think that those articles were attempting to solely ride on visual presentation, the story was rather thin and well-trod ground in my estimation.
This, on the other hand, is something of a maturation. In this article, the formatting seems more like a natural stylistic choice, especially given the contrast between action in the "real world" and the interaction in the realm of the AIs. The way the story is related in the second act of this article, with the narrator interjecting in the middle of the conversation between the AIs, was especially pleasing to me. This has a definite, unique mood.
If I were to lodge one complaint, I would say that the intro news article doesn't really read like a newspaper article. The way the quotation was handled lent a more fiction-y feel to that part than I would have liked. That's minor, however, and more a heads-up for people in future employing similar devices. On the whole, this was a quality piece.
Very nice. Good concept and good characterization. I'm excited to see where this goes.
Slick presentation, and while a bit trope-laden and two dimensional it works.
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page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
