Okay, here we go. Cleaning up the backlog in the forum so this is a quick read. Here are my thoughts:
Just as a general note, I am not familiar with the SCP article this is based on. I feel like that might be the case for most readers who encounter this, so maybe consider providing a handy link for readers at the start if you want them to have already read the SCP first.
Couple small things here and there:
- ongoing is one word
- I feel like the starting setup makes me a little confused. There's a part about a TV screen, but then we get a transcript in file-form, rather than prose.
- capitalize "Research" when using it as a name/referring to a body of people
- You have "The man responded." followed by "The gruff voice responded." after the next line of dialogue
- "to inquire on" > I think it's "inquire about"?
- "it was an overlook on our end." > oversight? Or "overlooked thing" or the like. Not sure if I've heard someone call a thing an "overlook" before
- I feel like the last line can just be "Silence ensued".
Overall… I dunno. This feels like a lot of talking, without much characterization of the speakers. I don't really remember much about the chief or agent, and since there isn't much to make them more than their kind of standard part in the narrative, I feel an inherent disconnect. Granted, this is likely because I haven't read 2398, but I feel like tales should be enjoyable on their own, and make you want to read the SCP because you enjoyed the tale.
As such, I feel like there needs to be more characterization in the non-log parts to make the audience more invested in following these people and what they're doing. Give the characters quirks, like little behaviors or speech patterns that make them distinct. Describe the setting and maybe their personal effects a bit more. Make them more than just a generic story vehicle.
