First Attempt At This
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/paradoxxis
Please post some honest feedback! Tried to make this as good as possible on my first go.
First Attempt At This
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» First Attempt At This
Summary:
First draft. Feedback appreciated before I continue with this.
As I read/ Line by line comments:
SCP-XXXX appears to be a medium sized
Don't tell the reader what something appears or seems to be — unless the anomaly is specifically that is ISN'T whatever it appears to be, just say what it is.
You also waste a ton of space reiterating things and putting in information that doesn't matter. For instance, you've got this paragraph:
SCP-XXXX appears to be a medium sized ███████ ███████ brand thermos matching the appearance of those produced in the late 1970s. At first glance, the object appears be an entirely ordinary thermos, but inspection of it’s interior reveals that no surface can be observed within the bottle. The inside of the thermos is comparable to color to the material Vantablack, the opening appearing as a flat disc of darkness.
You could have written this as:
SCP-XXXX is medium sized ███████ ███████ brand thermos matching the appearance of those produced in the late 1970s. Inspection of its interior reveals that no surface can be observed within the bottle — rather, its inside appears completely dark.
Note that it should be "its" rather than "it's," as well.
Testing of SCP-XXXX begun with trying to pinpoint the amount of liquid that can be stored before filling it. However, it seems that there is no limit or capacity to the object.
You don't need any of that text I crossed out — tell us the facts about the object, not how testing began.
Approximately 18 liters of water were poured into the container before it was concluded that no limit existed. However, when the subject attempted to lift the thermos, they reported extreme difficulty.
Are you talking about an experiment now? Please don't put this in the description.
Also, I kind of feel like more than 18 liters would be poured in before the researchers would go, "woop, yeah, looks like this thing is infinite."
When the thermos was emptied, researchers were astonished to find that rather than water, a white liquid, later found to be milk, was produced instead.
- Don't tell us how the researchers felt, be it astonished or otherwise. That has no place in a scientific document.
- You don't need to frame everything you're saying — just say milk was produced.
most commonly to another object of the same type,
Same type? Does that mean same purpose, same shape, what?
Subject D-35752 is instructed to insert his left
You randomly switched from past to present tense for this.
Concept:
I'll be blunt, and I'll keep this short — this concept won't work, because it's far too similar to 914, but less interesting. Read through some of the testing logs for 914 on the 1:1 setting — if you were to place any of the logs you've got on there, they wouldn't be out of place.
At the same time, it's really got less to it that 914 — less settings, less intrigue, etc. Your thermos is just an input-output skip in its most basic form. We've already got several of those (914 was just the first that came to mind) and most have some kind of gimmick that make them more interesting.
Yes, this is specifically what I was worried about, which is why I tried to differentiate it as much as possible(which has obviously failed). Thanks for the feedback, I have other ideas I plan on fleshing out in the meantime. This of all sites is one of the hardest to have an original idea for, so I expected a slow start.
You can always try the Ideas & Brainstorming forum if you need help developing ideas.
Outside of ratsy's comments, a particular line item that stood out to me was giving the D-class a prosthesis, since that's kind of an involved medical procedure and D-class are rarely treated like they are going to be released.
I have a random idea for this one. Most thermoses you buy have designs on them, typically licensed characters and the like. Maybe an angle that would differentiate it from 914 would be if the thermos had a licensed property on it, and somehow that affected the input/output. Like, it has Scooby Doo on it, and it only works if you put something in it that appeared on the Scooby Doo cartoon. Or putting something in it made the object anomalously appear in the cartoon.
That actually sounds pretty interesting, but I'm fiddling with a different idea I had(basically i thought about an anomalous thermos and came up with two different concepts) involving the types of liquids it produces based on who opens it.
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page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
