SPaG notes:
he joined the foundation
Make sure to capitalize "Foundation" — it's a proper noun.
"What do you think they keep in this site?", Jim interrupted again.
You don't need that comma.
Writing:
I was really confused by some parts of this. Why do you do things like:
nice J U I C Y expensive
Is this supposed to be comedy? Is there a joke I'm not getting? I was legitimately quite thrown by these things. I don't know why they're there.
I adverted my gaze away from the vast wasteland flowing beneath me to the helmet where this utterance originated.
Sentences like this sound kind of jumbled. The word "utterance," for instance, while technically used correctly, feels tonally very out of place, like you're in school trying to write a sentence with new vocab words.
Yeah. I dunno. Some of your choices seemed a little… bizarre, and unjustified.
Plot/Concept:
I didn't get much from this. It's just some Foundation personnel who visit a place and talk for a bit. There's no real feeling of story or change within in — I don't know what I'm supposed to be getting from this.
I didn't really get who our narrator was, or why I should care about him/her and the conversation. I didn't feel like there were any significant conclusions drawn by the story or characters. In fact, I didn't even get much of a sense of any of the characters. The whole thing was just people randomly saying things, with a Foundation backdrop.
I don't have much to say other wise. I keep getting the sense there's something I'm missing.
