My First SCP
My First SCP
Forum
» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» My First SCP
Summary:
I have yet to give it a number. SCP-XXXX: Jade. Please leave feedback. Note: This SCP is still in progress, changes and additions will be frequent.
Hmm… I liked the idea… but not as an SCP. Read about the "X-Man Syndrome" on the "How to Write an SCP", "Humanoid" tab.
Try to do a tale, like a "hunter of SCPs" kind of thing… or try and make it less "comic booky", if you know what I mean.
Thank you for the feedback ZeeonXine. Could you highlight the areas which seemed more "comic booky" so I can edit them into a more suitable format please? I'll make the addenda soon
Surely, my pleasure.
Like the guide said… you treated it too… human-like. And yeah, I know it is a humanoid, but still, an SCP must be treated as an anomaly, an "it", not a "her/him".
Quoting: "SCP- is to have a single black mat for comfortable meditative practices, a single 50 kilogram punching bag of any make, and a single nylon sword made by █████ ██████. Regards to feeding, SCP-XXXX is to be escorted to the cafeteria and allowed a meal of the subject's choice. Regards to clothing, SCP-XXXX is to be given a leather jacket, a long-sleeve woolen shirt, combat trousers, and steel toe cap boots."
I know I quoted a lot, but is not just on the writing I felt "comic booky". The whole vibe, atmosfere. I felt like you were presenting a book character. Which is pretty cool, in my opinion, actually xD
But, as an SCP, I think it doesn't fit.
Also, take in notice that this is only my opinion. I would suggest you wait for other opinions before making any changes, and I swear all that I say is with heart and believing what would be more interesting for your own story.
Sorry for the long post, though :P
I would suggest you wait for other opinions before making any changes
ZeeonXine, reviewers prioritize threads with no replies, so by posting first in this thread, you make it more difficult for the author to be noticed by critiquers who are addressing others first.
If you're not sure of your feedback, it's best to hold off on giving critique until a more experienced writer has had the chance to comment first.
Zyn, do you have any sort of feedback for my idea? Be as harsh as you need to. As for the containment cell furnishings, I had assumed that a sentient Earth based Thaumiel would be given some privileges for service(s) to the Foundation.
Zyn, do you have any sort of feedback for my idea? Be as harsh as you need to.
In all honesty, it comes off as a mix between a D&D player's character sheet and a dating site profile. Definitely not going to stand a chance on the mainsite as-is.
Have you read the the humanoid writing guide by chance?
I have and revised it repeatedly after posting. I feel I've developed something too powerful after repeated revision. I think I'll have to visit the brainstorming/idea development forum.
I feel I've developed something too powerful after repeated revision.
Uh… not just that, but you actually spend an entire sentence describing speech patterns and giving us an actual measurement for the length of the thing's hair. The fact that it also apparently responded to an internal Foundation call for staff just breaks suspension of disbelief way too much. And there's the fact that the entity gets specific clothing requisitions (rule of cool much, for those boots?) and a sub-designation weapon. It's a mismash of tons of "people will downvote for a humanoid with this" tropes.
I think I'll have to visit the brainstorming/idea development forum.
I recommend this.
I've heavily revised my SCP idea. I revised my SCP to be more of a victim of a phenomenon that gave them their powers and armour. I particularly tried to focus on the primary ability being the danger sense and draw to danger. I also tried to apply a degree of mystery by applying a form of mental block and cause of discomfort when asked about what happened before a "flash"
/forum/t-5644138/my-first-scp#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
