Death Factory: The Factory That Makes Parts Out Of People
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Death Factory: The Factory That Makes Parts Out Of People by 
engineermk2004, 31 Mar 2018 03:13
Death Factory: The Factory That Makes Parts Out Of People
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» Death Factory: The Factory That Makes Parts Out Of People
Summary:
SCP that will appear in my comic KeteR. Help me make it a good one!
Item #: SCP-xxxx
You forgot to bold all the formatting.
no less than 3 meters high, and no less sturdy than an industrial chain link design… The fence shall be topped with industrial razor wire
Lines like these are a bit superfluous, and tend to bog down the Containment Procedures section, making them rather boring to read. We don't need to know all the specifics.
more severe containment has not been deemed necessary due to the threat posed by SCP-xxxx only affecting living organisms who enter its structure
Sometimes, it's fine to tell the reader bits about the SCP objects in the containment, but most of the time, it's not really necessary. Here, it lengthens the procedures without really creating intrigue for the object itself, in my opinion.
SCP-xxxx lies on a 25 acre parcel of land, located in █████ ██████, Michigan
You shouldn't say where the SCP is without actually saying what it is.
The outer walls are primarily made of reinforced concrete and brick, with a flat roof and block design.
You jump to describing the SCP without actually giving an overview. Okay, it has walls, but that doesn't tell us what it is (beyond "thing with walls") or why it's considered anomalous.
peasant
Present.
it's lights
Its lights.
pluming
Plumbing.
Subjects who enter the factory floor and who are not observed directly by another person will inevitably have an “accident” in the form of being pulled, falling, or becoming trapped within the machinery of the factory.
Why are you using quotation marks here? Why are you framing it as accidents? That's the imagery you want to invoke, but this is an SCP. You can't plainly frame it that way, you need to be detached and blunt. Something like, "Subjects who enter the factory floor and are not in eyesight of another person are invariably killed by the machinery present in SCP-XXXX".
During initial interviews, SCP-xxxx-2 revealed relationships to several people in the area
What does this mean?
Mechanically, this draft has quite a few issues with spelling, grammar, and general tone. I can't point out specific issues that I see, but I think you're going to need to do more reading, both on and off the wiki to get a better grasp on writing. For reading on the website, I recommend Series III and Series IV SCPs.
Emotionally, the SCP doesn't have much going on with it. It doesn't make me feel anything. Reading it doesn't affect me in any way. There pieces in there, like -2, that are obviously meant to be intriguing, but that fail to be. The horror bits, like the violent deaths, and the fleshy machinery, are too cliche and simple to actually scare me. Try making the audience something to latch on to. Perhaps the person who discovered it, and was scarred by seeing their friend violently die while they weren't looking. Maybe actually develop the character of the former employee.
Conceptually, this SCP is rather simple. It's a factory that kills you, with machinery made of human flesh, and a crazy worker who knows things despite not being remembered by anyone. It's cliche and uninteresting. More than that, you don't pursue a narrative, or any sort of story. You try to be intriguing, but at the expense of making everything to mysterious to care about. I recommend going back to the ideas forum, but if you don't want to do that, at least expand what you already have here. An exploration log, an interview with the woman, even a test log with the various deaths, something interesting.
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Did you actually read this? It isn't a factory with machinery made of human flesh, it's a factory that makes parts made of human flesh. The person -2 in question, never worked there and was not an employee. Could you point to specific spelling or grammar issues?
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Re: Death Factory: The Factory That Makes Parts Out Of People by engineermk2004, 01 Apr 2018 00:27
/forum/t-5651591/death-factory:the-factory-that-makes-parts-out-of-people#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
