Review my SCP please.
Doctor, Alex Write.
I need my SCP reviewing please.
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» Writing Help / Help: Drafts Critique
» I need my SCP reviewing please.
Summary:
I don't want to make this into a main list SCP without a review.
By the way, i know it's not set out properly, this a draft!
Doctor, Alex Write.
Dr Write, instead of replying to your own comments, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That prevents spam buildup, and it's in the rules.
Furthermore, "it's just a draft so it's intentionally messy" doesn't really give reviewers the best impression of an author. We have plenty of drafts that are posted here that are almost mainlist-ready. If you don't want to bother taking the time to put a draft in standard SCP article format, why should a reviewer bother taking the time to review something that will need so much more work compared to other drafts that are more polished?
From the guidelines:
Use the sandbox!
Put your draft there, then make a thread that has a link to your sandbox. Do not post the article text into a comment.
Go ahead and create a Sandbox page with your draft, then edit your original post with the link to your draft under "Options -> "edit".
Okay, so… I'm going to be completely honest with you, this is not good at all. Since you mentioned that the writing is intentionally improper, I won't get too much into detail about the clinical tone, but it really doesn't seem like the work of a professional researcher.
Concept-wise… it really feels like the piece only exists to try and force your "Dr. Write" self-insert onto the site, using a super-useful and super-important object that will probably make the audience extremely skeptical rather than excited. "Anyone whom attempts to remove SCP-(Site-145) must be terminated" is an excessive use of force and waste of valuable trained personnel, and the fact that this thing just happened to be the result of a random SCP-914 test with a bunch of random objects done by your self-insert just seems ridiculous from a narrative standpoint.
The thing is way too useful, what with the "containment zones never seem to end, plus you can communicate between sites with radio even though they're in separate dimensions". The fact that this thing needs crazy random containment procedures (you don't even give units, but since the Foundation only uses metric, I'm assuming it's a 10 meter by 10 meter enclosure) like a containment area taller than a 3-story building, and special procedures in case of a breach/raid, only solidifies the whole "THIS THING IS REALLY IMPORTANT NO ONE TOUCH IT!!" sort of tone.
I recommend getting the base idea polished up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before drafting, if you want your concepts to stand a chance on the mainsite.
Additionally, what grade are you currently in at school? Most SCP authors have at least some college-level writing experience, and it can be hard to write an article if you haven't practiced writing in clinical tone. If you tell me where you are academically, we can recommend some extra resources you can study up on, such as these clinical tone guidlines:
http://www.aje.com/en/arc/editing-tip-maintaining-formal-tone-scientific-writing/
http://academicguides.waldenu.edu/writingcenter/scholarlyvoice/tone
https://healthcare.utah.edu/brand-and-style-guide/writing-guide.php
I'm in grade 10, what does clinical tone mean? I will study up. Truth be told I am using the SCP foundation to better my English skills, That's why I named myself "Dr. Write" writing being what I need to get better at.
Doctor, Alex Write.
I'm in grade 10, what does clinical tone mean?
From one of our writing informational pages: http://www.scp-wiki.net/clinical-tone-declassified
| Strive to keep your article professional and concise. |
Basically, SCP articles are expected to sound like the writing of professional researchers. That means using clear, concise language, without any colloquial/casual phrasing that makes a piece sound silly and unprofessional.
That's why I named myself "Dr. Write" writing being what I need to get better at.
Yeah, then don't use that name in an actual SCP article. It looks a little silly in-universe.
Clinical tone is like something your doctor or a researcher would write, more observational and no "slang" words. Here's an example from your skip:
SCP-(Site-145) is to be kept at Site-17 in the center of HCZ in a 10x10 room with soundproof padded walls, if SCP-(Site-145) is shook, anything or anyone inside Site-145's dimension will begin to shake almost as if it's an earthquake, any class SCP's (Except Thaumiel's, Duh!) can be contained in Site-145 as the containment zones in Site-145 seem to never end, communication between site-17 and site-145 can be done via radio.
Here's my best *attempt* at a clinical tone.
SCP-XXXX is to be contained at Site-██ in the center of HCZ in a standard containment chamber with soundproof padding. If SCP-XXXX is shaken, any matter inside SCP-XXXX's pocket dimension will shake as well. Any SCPs (excluding Thaumiel-class) can be contained in Site-145, located inside SCP-XXXX's dimension. Site-145's containment zones appear to extend beyond the range of visible perception, indicating that Site-145 may continue on indefinitely. Communication between Site-██ and Site-145 can be facilitated via radio.
Besides that, Zyn frequently and oftenly posts good advice. If you really are stuck or need something, ask in the forums and usually someone will come and help you. Good luck on your skip writing! :)
I'm not joking when I say this but that just blew my mind, thanks for giving me hope to revive this terrible idea for an SCP that contain's my created SCP's.
Doctor, Alex Write.
Clinical tone is accurate, concise and professional.
Accurate: Define what you are saying in clear, scientific, unambiguous wording. If you are vague or leave room for interpretation, you aren't doing it right (in terms of clinical tone)
Concise: Say what needs to be said in as few words as possible. Why say something in a paragraph when a sentence will do? Only describe what is necessary and remove everything else.
Professional: Be detached and non-emotional in your writing.
For more, see the How to Write an SCP Guide, under the tab "Writing Style".
Thank you for telling me, saved me the time to research it, I will go onto the link you provided and learn how to write better.
Doctor, Alex Write.
was created by Dr. Write when SCP-914 had a cup of "dimension" (From SCP-294)
Yeah, no. I don't think 215 is capable of producing liquid "dimension", as "dimension" can either mean an alternate reality, or direction of allowed movement.
Neither are something that could theoretically be made/placed into or exist as a liquid.
Aside from that fact, there's not much going in here except this thing's existence as a containment dimension. While the idea itself has some possible interesting routes to go (such as the site eventually deciding that people should also be contained), you don't conceptually take it anywhere beyond "alternate dimension containment facility".
Remember, most SCPs are stories in report form, not simply reports on objects. They generally explore the kind of impact the SCP has on the world around it, rather than just what it is. I'd suggest you familiarize yourself with more series III and IV SCPs to see how they've been telling stories. And remember- focus on what happens, instead if just what the SCP is.
Finally, drafts don't go here- i'm only critting on this because it's so far off-format that it's more of a brainstorming outline than anything else. Drafts go in a sandbox with your name as the title, and you post the link to that draft here.
I couldn't think of what you could combine to make a pocket dimension I knew that both SCP-914 and SCP-215 was on site-17 so I had to think quickly, I was kind of hoping no one would notice that dimensions aren't liquid, Next time I will post the link to my sandbox and not the draft, as for now I should get back to reading the drafts and critiques guidelines and the English improving resources Zyn gave me.
Doctor, Alex Write.
I couldn't think of what you could combine to make a pocket dimension
Why do you need to combine anything at all?
Because I wanted the SCP to be self-created, it wouldn't make sense if a random snow-globe containing a mini SCP foundation was randomly found, most of the foundations are hidden from the public right?
How would this SCP exist if it's a duplicate of an SCP foundation and there are no foundations, it wouldn't make sense.
Doctor, Alex Write.
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page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
