Grammar, Spelling, and Punctuation:
Run this through some kind of smart spellchecker, like Grammarly or Microsoft Word. You've got so many errors. Here's just one sentence:
From what was once Moscow the troops of the Serpents Hand manoeuvre through the ruins like ants in a maze,all stopping at there rightful place preparing for what was to come.
Should be written as:
From what was once Moscow, the troops of the Serpent's Hand maneuver through the ruins like ants in a maze, all stopping at their rightful place, preparing for what was to come.
Corrections bolded.
Space out your dialogue. I had absolutely no idea who was talking or what was going on in that huge "10 years earlier" paragraph.
I'm gonna use a simplified example, just because I really can't tell when it's Lewis or Briggs talking in your thing.
How you're spacing things:
"Hello itsa me, Briggs," Said Mario, "Oh boy oh boy," Said Luigi, "Time for some SCP hi-jinks!"
How it should be spaced:
"Hello itsa me, Briggs," Said Mario.
"Oh boy oh boy," Said Luigi, "Time for some SCP hi-jinks!"
Why is this important? Because then, I can tell who that middle bit of dialogue belongs to. And it's just much easier to read through — the reader immediately realizes who is talking when, since you leave a line between speakers.
I'm not going to go through every sentence here, because, to be frank, basically every sentence has a grammatical error. Prof-read. Please.
Writing:
Yeah, this was… kind of a pain to read through, though I hate to put it that way. I'd really try using different sentences structures (most of what you wrote was very long sentences, with extra verbs at the end). And space it, please. Everything looks better spaced.
Plot:
To be totally honest, I don't know what what happened. Why does the Serpent's Hand have troops? Like, they're the most hippy (though not pacifist), of any enemy GoI. Raids on Foundation sites? I could buy. An armed military take over of a major city? Yeah, I'm gonna need to be eased into that one.
It's like one sentence, though, and then you just have some Foundation agents hecka dying. I… didn't see the connection.
Can you tell me, in like 1-4 sentences, what happens in the story?
