SCP Foundation

http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/neural-60

Many thanks beforehand to the following people in the chat:

• RecursiveRecursion (Came up with the same Shadow Self idea as me a few years ago)
• uladox
• mlister
• Ensophos
• Stallmantic
• BoogeyMobile23

I tried to make the SCProcedures and the description as short and concise as possible as to not make the reader bored before they get to the addenda, where most of the story flows.

Due to my background in writing stories for visual novels, the way the story is presented is through dialogues from transcriptions and audio logs in the addenda. However, I'm still unsure as to how the flow should progress, most likely because of leftover rough edges and possible breaks in immersion due to how the characters interact.

Cheers!

(The original picture comes from https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:RF_anechoic_chamber.jpg, licensed under CC BY-SA 4.0)

Okay, so I'm cleaning up the backlogged threads with no replies. This is a quick read; here are my thoughts:

Containment doesn't really make sense to me. You're missing a "the" in the first sentence, and I have no idea who Dr. Miguel de Oliveira dos Santos or Dr. Dragana Šimanović are with relation to the project, or why they're the only ones who get to access the thing. What happens if either of them are unavailable or indisposed? It seems like a security liability. Also, "authorization into" seems like improper idiomatic phrasing.

"Items stationed in this room are unable to be moved" > should probably just be "cannot be moved". "Upon a subject entering the chamber" should just be "an individual", unless the anomaly only manifests during testing procedures. The phrase "an instance, denominated as SCP-XXXX-1" is hard to parse because the sentence is overcomplicated. A better way to phrase it would probably be "Upon an individual entering SCP-XXXX, an entity manifesting from an unidentifiable source of visible electromagnetic wave material will appear. The entity, designated as an instance of SCP-XXXX-1, will appear physically identical to the individual who entered SCP-XXXX."

I really don't think Alpha-1 would be involved with this. Don't they have more important things to do?

After reading the logs… I admittedly have no idea what's going on or why. The logs seem almost completely separate from the article itself, and the O5-7 log (why is there a transcript of it anyway? Who was recording it? Why? What is that log doing in the document?) comes out of nowhere story-wise. Also, some of the wording, regarding the doctor being a "stallion" and the ending note being "You would… tame… a mature woman willing to feel free, wouldn't you?" just comes off as extremely gross and kind of creepy.

Granted, a lot of the logs had improper language (missing words, odd phrases that aren't used by native English speakers, and so on) so I'm assuming that it might have just been errors in translation, but overall… I'd have to downvote this. The storyline isn't clear, I don't identify with (or even like) the characters at all, and I felt kind of like the setup was extremely contrived.

This does feel a lot more like a tale, so maybe go that route. And maybe get the outline of the basic plotline checked in Questions Desk, because for nearly the entirety of the read I was thinking "I have a hard time believing that this would actually happen in the Foundation".