SCP Foundation

Hey everyone. After posting a relatively successful SCP (it didn't get voted into deletion!) I am presenting the draft for a tale. I've had this idea for years, but decided to get down and write it now.

http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/toa-vine

Many thanks to anyone who wishes to give it a look over. It's not short, but it's not horribly long either.

Some concerns I have:

• The ending
• "Chief Blue Ash" sort of sounds like a stereotypical Native American name, which isn't intentional. I'm worried it might derail the mystery of the plot by having the reader assume it takes place either on a reservation, or in the past during the industrial revolution. I'd love to be able to keep the name.

Mkay, here we go. Clearing out the backlog, nananana, this is a quick read. Here are my thoughts:

The ending

Yeah, in all honesty I'm not sure what was going on. I think at the end Blue Ash was looking at… an old Foundation ID of his? It's a nice unexpected twist, but I still am not quite certain what's going on or who the people in this story are with relation to the Foundation. Since the opening featured the three kids, I originally thought the story was going to be about them.

"Chief Blue Ash" sort of sounds like a stereotypical Native American name, which isn't intentional. I'm worried it might derail the mystery of the plot by having the reader assume it takes place either on a reservation, or in the past during the industrial revolution. I'd love to be able to keep the name.

Switch it up a bit? Give the person a first name, and refer to them by that sometimes? Why do you want that name in particular? If it's just for the imagery, maybe use the species name or a different name that the tree is known by?

Overall… the prose is decently-written, but I didn't really feel much for the plot. Some kids fool around, they go to some event, there is a thing called the Beast that I'm not sure about, and then Blue Ash reminisces? Was there an anomaly involved at all? I'm not sure. Does this reference your SCP article?