Judge the castle
I have an scp draft that's rather long due to how long I've been working on and now that its close to being finished i want critique on it so here it is
Judge the castle
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» Judge the castle
Summary:
So I've been working on an scp for a while and now it's close to being finished
Hello author, let's see what you have for us.
So this is pretty bad.
Right off the bat I'm hit with grammar mistakes and ridiculous containment procedures, such as using a perimeter even though you state building a perimeter is impossible because of SCP ambush. The most egregious of the latter is
in the event that instances of SCP-xxxx-1 breach this wall absolutely nothing is to be done as to prevent unnecessary casualties or complications.
What? Is the Foundation so ill-equipped that the moment this concrete wall is breached nothing can be done to stop the slaughter to come? Many readers would stop reading right here, as it's perfectly clear that you are actively trying to make an overpowered SCP. It feels forced.
As far as your SCP goes, this is what it includes:
- Reality warping and hammer-space
- The ability to physically and psychologically maim anyone who enters it without head covering
- An old King who turns to stone whenever he doesn't want to talk
- More than half a million suits of armor that apparently can't be stopped once they get through the perimeter and constantly ambush the Foundation outside the castle
- A golden knight who's indestructible, is skilled in combat and carries a variety of weapons on him
This is an example of the "too much" SCP. You throw in so many different effects, none of which are particularly interesting, that they all end up diluting one another. I can't find the reality warping inside to be interesting because you jump on to how the castle gives people schizophrenia. And these effects can't be focused on because you're then jumping on to the knights. And we don't know why the knights are so threatening since you don't really describe their abilities because now you've moved on to the king who can turn to stone.
An SCP article that goes into detail, and crafts an engaging experience around a single or a few interesting effects will always outdo the SCP that just lists off different powers. If you revise this, I strongly recommend choosing the one or two you absolutely want to focus on, and trim out the other effects.
The interview logs sound robotic and expository. Take this
clem: hello my name is researcher clem and I'm here to ask you some questions if that's alright
SCP-xxxx-2: that is fine
There's no real emotion or characterization in the dialogue, leading to both characters sounding almost exactly like one another. Different characters ideally should show off their unique traits and personalities through how they speak and what they say. In your dialogue, they do not do this. I would recommend reading tales and SCP articles that really focus on interview logs with SCPs to get a feel of how to do this.
Update 10-7-1956
This table is incomplete and filled with "Cell Content" placeholders.
This needs a lot of work before it can be posted with a chance of surviving on the main site. I saw that you were in the Ideas and Brainstorming Forum with this idea, but I'll still state that the concept you have here is incredibly problematic as it is right now. There are so many effects here that none of them feel important or significant, and too much time is spent making this SCP sound overpowered when nothing is done to show this off. I recommend a total rework of the concept and its execution, and then several reads done by yourself to check for SPaG errors. Good luck.
Yha this is no share near being finished in fact this is just the start of this draft I'd wager that the final draft won't resemble this at all
Anyway, I see what ya saying, the anomalous properties of the castle don't have much of an impact on the reader as they are all lightly touched on, it was my intention that the anomalous properties not be that important in the case of this scp but perhaps that I need to elaborate on them more or subtract some properties or perhaps I could use the current properties as a hook for the reader?
You mentioned that you were on my forum on ideas and brainstorming so you probably already know the story I'm trying to tell here which is most important.
Now you mentioned that the interviews are robotic in some cases, can you point out more instances of "robotic words" used that I myself may have overlooked the interviews are most important to the story I'm attempting to tell. The interviews are supposed to each serve a purpose
The interview with mtf leader Gunter was intended to gauge the power of the instances of SCP-xxxx-1 so the containment procedures make a little more sense
The interview with SCP-xxxx-2 was intended to tell his half of the story and the same with the interview with SCP-xxxx-3
Now with all that said I wish to ask you one last thing dose this current idea have potential? And what was done right
I'll try to address each of your concerns with a single text chunk each.
Generally, if you're writing in anomalous properties with the intention that they not be important then it's probably best to get rid of them completely. If your primary concern is to tell a story about this castle and its origins, then only use the minimum amount of anomalous properties needed so you can be efficient with your page space. An SCP does not have to be dangerous or Keter to be interesting and it appears you were trying more to make your SCP into an overpowered thing. I recommend cutting out every anomalous property unrelated to the story you're trying to tell. Given the state of this draft, I can't really say whether or not you should use the properties as a hook since using the wrong one could backfire. Focus on trimming first.
In regards to the dialogue, the reason I didn't go line by line but used only the opening bit of dialogue is because both conversations are entirely robotic. It's not a matter of robotic 'words.' It's a matter of writing characters who sound the same:
- well it's my castle of course.
- well I did it again
- well I don't know, they sent us in told us just to hook up some wires and lock some doors
- well at the time I had a rocket launcher on me.
- well tell me what you were then
And writing characters who don't sound like have any emotion. For example:
"hello I'm here to interview you today"
is spoken to an SCP that's been known to massacre trained soldiers with medieval weaponry.
This is NOT a comprehensive list of the problems with your dialogue. These are examples.
As far as each interview serving a purpose, the second one only exists to highlight how unstoppable the knights are. The 3rd one doesn't really make sense as far as context because I don't see the Foundation approaching this hostile entity in this manner. The first one with the king is the only one that has a chance of helping the story you are trying to tell. But again, all the dialogue has to be seriously reworked before this purpose can be served properly. We don't really need to hear both sides of the story, especially since you indicate that there's going to be a picture book that does this anyway.
In regards to your last question, I'm not going to tell you whether this idea has potential or not because I believe in execution. What I will say right now is that the current execution of the doesn't make the concept appear salvageable. Since you're already on the brainstorming forum, I can only really recommend that you read the guides and essays very carefully, as well as successful location/narrative focused SCP articles. I'm not going to tell you what you did right because I want you to focus on fixing the sizable amount you got wrong first. If you fix this up properly, follow the advice given to you by reviewers both here and in the brainstorming forum, then there's a good chance that you'll get on the main-site. People there will be happy to focus on what you did right.
Alright I'll be pitching new ideas to my forum on ideas and brainstorming
Ps. The picture book is the only thing that would give the whole story as both sides are unable of doing so SCPxxxx-3 is to mentally scarred and -2 is physically incapable of doing so
/forum/t-5676885/judge-the-castle#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
