Draft Review
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/sqashy/edit/true/title/Sqashy
Im not good at writing these, I do them for fun so get ready to read something that has a good concept but a shitty outcome.
Draft Review
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» Draft Review
Summary:
I need someone to review this.
There's something wrong with this link - it's trying to create a sandbox page with your name, or something.
Yep. It also looks like cutting out parts of the link doesn't work, and according to the search there is no page called sqashy. I think it might of been deleted.
I think it might of been deleted.
I think the author didn't create their page properly, and saved a draft instead of creating the page with the "save" button.
It also appears that someone named Aidan Holloway has a page edit lock on it currently.
He just put the incorrect link into the chat box. Notice how it says "/edit/true" in the link. His new post fixes the problems.
He just put the incorrect link into the chat box. Notice how it says "/edit/true" in the link.
The link was incorrect and the page was not created properly. Had the page been created properly before, the page would not have prompted someone opening the link to create the page.
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/sqashy
WORKING LINK ^^^
Good idea, and pretty good execution. Here's my burning hatred kind feedback.
The SCP are strict and precise protocols. You should not have a building on "constant watch." You should have a building "with two guards present at all times, rotating for rest every 12 hours." Or something like that, at least.
You need details, the vagueness goes in the description, not the SCPs.
Second, why are you on constant lookout for XXXX-2? You know he's there, and you know he only attacks if you get close. Just stay the ████ away, for your men's sake.
" interior resembles that of a young females with toys,"
Interior resembles a young female's bedroom with….
Also, you can just say young girl or little girl. Young female sounds weird.
"door to SCP XXXX is equip with"
is equipped with
"has a small window on the wall, located to the far right."
The far right? The hell does that mean?
West, East, South, or North.
"During the rimes of 12:00 am "
the times of
"7 foot tall"
S C P F O U N D A T I O N. Please use metric at all times.
"a porcelain doll mask. SCP XXXX-2 has a Caucasian skin tone,"
If he's wearing a bunch of covered clothing and it's night time, how do you know his skin tone? More notably, why is this important information? Your readers don't need or want to know every little detail.
Other than that, your article is too interesting. No joke. Add some [REDACTED]. Add some [DATA EXPUNGED].
You want it to look less like a wikipedia article and more like a SpOokY GoVernMenT DoCuMenT.
Good candidates for [REDACTED] hammer.
Does the SCP foundation need to know it's in Quebec City? Yes. Do level 1 personnel? Nope. [REDACT] that ████.
Don't want to get rid of the caucasian skin tone? Try redacting it. It's often a nice middle ground.
The addendum is really cool and interesting. You know what would make it better? ███ to ███ db. It could be 100, it could be 999. The world may never know, but your reader will sure as hell be left thinking about it.
Phantaxein, this feedback is misleading. Given that I've needed to comment on problematic feedback from you before, please be more conscientious when writing reviews from now on.
The SCP are strict and precise protocols. You should not have a building on "constant watch." You should have a building "with two guards present at all times, rotating for rest every 12 hours." Or something like that, at least.
Not necessarily. Being loose with the containment can allow for resources to be more effectively distributed across cases if there's no requirement for two guards versus one. If the author is going to specify, it should make sense in-universe to require the specifics.
You need details, the vagueness goes in the description, not the SCPs.
Descriptions do not need to be vague.
[FORMATTING ERRORS]
What you're commenting on is grammar and mechanics. Formatting would be the way the article is arranged, so the bolded headers, the order of the sections, etc.
Other than that, your article is too interesting. No joke. Add some [REDACTED]. Add some [DATA EXPUNGED].
You want it to look less like a wikipedia article and more like a SpOokY GoVernMenT DoCuMenT.
This is actually pretty bad advice. There's no need to require censoring of an SCP article—plenty of authors write without redacting anything. Redactions should be done for logical narrative reasons, and "because I feel like it needs more redactions" is not a good narrative reason. More information can be found in this guide on interesting expungment.
Does the SCP foundation need to know it's in Quebec City? Yes. Do level 1 personnel? Nope. [REDACT] that ████.
This is assuming that the reader is a Level-1 personnel. Why is this assumed? Plenty of SCP articles allow for reading of O5-level information, because there's no reason to limit the IRL reader to the most basic stuff.
Don't want to get rid of the caucasian skin tone? Try redacting it. It's often a nice middle ground.
Not really. Doing that sort of thing can actually make an article worse.
The addendum is really cool and interesting. You know what would make it better? ███ to ███ db. It could be 100, it could be 999. The world may never know, but your reader will sure as hell be left thinking about it.
…or the reader will be left thinking that the author is being unnecessarily vague and expectant of the reader to do the writing for them, or that the author didn't know what to put so they blanked that stuff out. Redactions are not requirements.
This was pretty eye opening. I should probably be a little more conservative with my advice, considering how new I am. Sorry about that.
Also, I did not intend to imply that descriptions should be vague, my emphasis was more that SCPs should not be vague.
Thank you all for your feedback, i'm bumping this up because I would like just a tad bit more from other people before I go and make this a real SCP.
Sqashy for future reference, please don't bump draft threads except to announce major revisions to the draft.
Asking for more feedback is totally understandable considering technical problems and poor advice (and a post addressing the poor advice) are all you've gotten here. Unfortunately, when your first response is a dud, the next step is to start reaching out to individual members through PM or IRC chat (and even when you get a good review, it's still smart to get a second opinion that way).
Don't stress about this post, just have to make sure everyone understands the rules ;) I'm planning to review this today myself, so check back for that later on.
Okay here goes.
All done!
Special Containment Procedures: The area around the building SCP XXXX is built in is to be fenced off and on constant watch to make sure only authorized personnel are let into the premises. Personnel are not permitted to enter SCP XXXX between the times of 12:00 am EST and 12:00 pm EST. During these times the door to SCP XXXX is to be locked from the outside. During this time SCP XXXX-2 will appear within SCP XXXX and should be [kept on watch [monitored/observed] either through the implemented one-way mirror, or the security cameras planted in the room.
I suggested some changes to the wording, and crossed out redundancy and fluff that you can delete. A clinical document should generally be written as concisely as possible; extra words make it look less professional, not more.
Any abnormal behavior from SCP XXXX-2 should be immediately reported to higher up officials.
Which ones? You probably want to say "the head researcher" or something like that, so it's clear you don't mean they should go running to the O5s every time this does something weird.
Any light besides naturally produced light [Use of artificial light sources] inside SCP XXXX is strictly forbidden (See addendum 458-B.)
This is an interesting line, but I suggested a change in wording because it's better to say what the prohibited thing is than what it isn't.
Description: SCP XXXX is a [bed]room inside a ordinary farm house in the middle of an open field, located in Quebec City, Canada. The interior of the farm house is nothing out of ordinary standards, running water, electricity, and satellite are all present [installed] within the building. All rooms besides SCP XXXX on the top floor of the structure have been torn down into one large room, and equipment have been set up for the researching of the SCP. [All non-load bearing walls on the second floor have been removed to create an open space for research equipment.]
I like the image of this old house with the top floor torn out - it brings a creepy atmosphere to mind. Suggested some changes in wording though.
SCP XXXX's interior resembles that of a young females with toys, clothing, bed sheets, and walls all having a pink theme to them.
"SCP-X's interior is furnished and decorated in a style customary for female infants/toddlers/children."
The door to SCP XXXX is equip[ped] with multiple locking mechanisms which include pad locks, deadbolts, and lever handle locks. SCP XXXX has a small window on the wall, located to the far right.
During the times of 12:00 am EST and 12:00 pm EST, SCP XXXX will begin to fill up with a translucent, black gas cloud.
Do you mean it fills up at exactly noon and midnight every day? Or randomly between those times? When you say "begin to fill up" it makes me think it takes a long time - do you maybe mean "a cloud of translucent black gas manifests inside SCP-X"?
During this time SCP XXXX-2 will make its appearance. SCP XXXX-2 will spend most it's time either stumbling around the room, or stare out the small window. SCP XXXX-2 is a 7 ft tall humanoid figure wearing what seems to be a torn up navy blue hoodie with the hood over its head, and a porcelain doll mask. SCP XXXX-2 has a Caucasian skin tone, and human eyes with a blue tinted iris. Entering SCP XXXX during these times will cause SCP XXXX-2 to disappear, along with the subject. Unlocking the doors at this time will cause the black gas to emanate around the house, giving SCP XXXX-2 full access to the house.
Addendum: 458-B
Causing man made light (Flashlights, phone lights, etc.) will cause SCP XXXX-2 to begin to emit a loud screeching noise, which range from 120 to 300 db depending on how bright the light is.
You lost me here. I like monster stories, but this is just a monster in a scary location - no story being told here - and there's not enough logic or coherence to the monster itself to be intriguing. Why 7 feet tall (we're supposed to use meters anyway)? Why a hoodie? Why a porcelain doll mask? Why any of those things together? Big guys in doll masks are creepy, but this one doesn't do anything - you don't even say what happens if it gets access to the rest of the house, or why that would be a problem. Throwing in artificial light as a weakness to it doesn't really help, for the same reason. There's no hint of what this thing is or does.
Slasher movie-style humanoids are a really tough type of article to make work - people have been telling stories about creepy guys in masks forever, so it's pretty hard to squeeze an original concept out of a creature like that. I do think some of the imagery here has potential - the gutted farmhouse especially is a good setting, but nothing ultimately happens in the article. Try to think of a story you could tell about where this came from or what it does after it's contained; does it break out and try to finish whatever it was doing while it was alive? Was it a spirit that protects children and got framed by another spirit and trapped in spirit jail, which looks like a farmhouse? You'll need to show some kind of story around this for it to survive the mainlist. Hope this helps.
/forum/t-5705936/draft-review#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
