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Link to sandbox: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/alkali
Alright so I now understand I have a lot to change including the effects, grammar, and presentation. I would like to know what affects would be most effective with this type of object either through this thread or some Forum. Thank you for your help.
Well for starters theres a number of grammar mistakes (although im not a good writer as well)
for example:
"If this happens immediate termination if possible is necessary."
can be replaced with : "Affected subjects must be terminated immediately after exposure"
"When a subject is exposed to SCP # and evades termination for a span of 40 minutes the surrounding area must be put on lockdown at all costs until all instances are killed."
can be replaced with : "If affected subjects evades termination , the surrounding area must be put on
a lockdown at all cost untill affected subjects are terminated"
" After the SCP's disconnection from the deer"
can be replaced with : "After the dislocation of SCP-# from the deer"
"every living creature in the 2.5 meter radius remained there for forty minutes and began to [EXPUNGED] and anything doing so was terminated."
hmm , cant seem to understand what you're trying to write here
"Any sentient organism including animals within a 2.5 meter radius of SCP #'s largest piece will experience severe illusionary and auditory hallucinations which involve whispers and chants in an unknown language, flashbacks to traumatizing events, religious texts, and [REDACTED] which will cause the subject severe distress and paranoia."
can be replaced with : "Any sentient organism within a 2.5 meter radius of SCP # will experience a
number of severe visual and auditory hallucinations involving whispers and
chants in an unknown language , flashbacks of traumatizing events ,
religious texts , and [REDACTED] which will cause the subject in a state of
distress and paranoia"
As for the other things, ill leave the veterans for it
JLMERV, this feedback is misleading. Some of the "fixes" you recommend have grammatical errors ("subjects evades" should be subject evades or subject evades, "put on a lockdown is improper idiomatic phrasing, etc.) and if implemented, would actually make the draft worse.
Furthermore, if all you comment on is grammar without addressing any other parts of the draft, that's not helpful to the author.
Please let a more experienced writer handle giving the first review. Staff prioritize threads with no replies, so posting a low-content critique makes it more difficult for an author to receive a thorough review.
Given that this is not the first time I have needed to address problematic feedback from you, please take more care with your reviews from now on.
Hello, Alkali. I've read your SCP file and I can say that you might need revising it. I suggest you change:
Here's an example:
Description: SCP # is a partially shattered deer antler retrieved after an accident which occurred on March 17, 2006, located in a rural town near [EXPUNGED]. That time, the deer who had SCP # connected in its head started attacking anything living or dead. When its antler disconnected, every living creature within the 2.5 meter radius that remained for forty minutes began to [EXPUNGED] and was terminated upon the arrival of MTF Iota-7 ("Forest Dwellers"). [NOTE: I just made this up. But you can use this MTF]
Any sentient organisms within 2.5 meter radius of SCP #'s largest piece will experience severe illusionary and auditory hallucinations with claims of hearing whispering chants of unkown language, flashbacks to traumatizing events, seeing religious texts, and [REDACTED] which will cause affected subject with severe distress and paranoia.
Subject will want to be left alone and will prefer dark spaces. At this point, if the subject is ignored, the subject will be in a vegetative-like state. But when interacted with, subjects shows hostility and disobeys any command given unless using reverse psychology. It is also noted that the subject doesn't show human emotions or response to pain.
When subject is left in SCP # range (what range? Range of sight? Or radius range like the 2.5 meter radius?) of effect for 40 minutes, the subject (which will now be referred to as SCP #-B) will attack any sentient organism in it's sight. At this point SCP #-B is no longer in self-control and will act on impulse. Any command will have no effect on SCP #-B. SCP#-B has been shown to be impossible to move. Subject can resist on forces up to ████ N. which shows no results. SCP #-B can only be stopped through termination by use of inhalation or ingestion of toxins as the exterior tissues are now impenetrable. SCP #-B does not need sustenance and shows no interest in killing for food and appears to merely be doing it as if it was its only purpose. Subject still does not show emotion and eerily kills with a blank face.
All attempts to help SCP #-B recover and regain it's previous personality will not work. If there are no living organisms, SCP #-B will instead attack dead corpses and mutilate it. SCP #-B also attacks other SCP #-B within its line of sight. This has made containment extremely difficult and suggests that only one SCP #-B must be contained per containment chambers.
NOTES:
This is my suggestions, feel free to do anything with it!
Yours,
DrDeck
Yours truly,
DrDeck
P.S. When making up MTFs, make sure that the Greek letter, number, and nickname isn't already created by someone.
Yours truly,
DrDeck
DrDeck, instead of replying to your own comments, please edit your previous post using the "edit" function under the "options" tab to the lower right of every comment. That prevents spam buildup, and it's in the rules.
Also, there's no need to sign your posts when your username is already at the top of every comment you post. This is a forum discussion, not an email chain, and in real life people don't re-introduce themselves every time it's their turn to speak.
Noting that the above feedback is problematic. Explanations below:
Better explanations of events - when telling an event, every detail should be explained that the readers could understand your SCP and its history further.
This is a vague and can run the risk of the author making their article bloated with excess information. A hallmark of clinical tone is being straightforward and succinct. While detail is important for understanding, overexplaining every detail can bog down a read and make the reader feel overwhelmed or bored.
All attempts to help SCP #-B recover and regain it's previous personality will not work.
This introduces an error to the document as it changes the meaning of the sentence. Furthermore, it changes verb tense from the previous sentence.
The part where "SCP # must be monitored using a drone" should be placed in the Special Containment Procedures.
Not necessarily. If the author wants to keep it separate, they can put the note in an addendum and have it be a proposal for increased containment.
Since subject was already affected at the beginning, subject should be called SCP #-X (X being the chronological order of subjects affected. Example: SCP #-1 as the first subject affected and SCP #-2 as the second subject affected and so on.)
Not really. If the author wants to have the sub-designation be a collective (that is, SCP-XXXX-1 would refer to all subjects affected), they can do that. There's no reason to require that each subject has to be given a different sub-designation, especially if they're all the same fundamental object with relation to the primary anomaly.
If the SCP #-X is finally in rage mode, it should be designated as SCP#-X (K) [as in Keter?]
This is wholly unnecessary. If it's still the same object, there's no need to give it a different designation when it happens to behave differently.
since subject is now considered a threat to humanity and should be separated with the safe ones.
This should just be accounted for in the primary containment.
Example: Before in rage mode = SCP #-8. During rage mode = SCP #-8 (K). Terminated = SCP#-8 (N).
I don't know if many articles do this, and as such it might just make the audience confused.
Alkali, I'll be honest with you… this is not a good draft. You have a lot of simple mistakes (example: it's means "it is" or "it has", not the possessive word) and overly-casual phrasing that makes it difficult for a reader to take this piece seriously, and the concept itself is pretty bland. You also put in a lot of video-game-esque information before it's established what the thing is and does, and most of this seems like an attempt to just write something super cool and dangerous without regard for reader experience, so it runs the risk of coming off as tryhard.
So you know, the "it makes you crazy until dead" approach isn't particularly interesting on its own anymore, given how many times SCPs with that effect have been written. Take a look at the articles tagged with "compulsion". Furthermore, the SCP's effect forcing someone to do something tends to be a bit of a lame narrative, since things are more interesting if there's a struggle involved, and/or if the people instead do terrible things of their own volition. Consider reading through the further discussion on the narrative issues of compulsion and addiction effects.
Adding in a bunch of extra details like the exact ranges and duration of effects doesn't change the fundamental concept of this being a "thing that makes you insane and then go kill-crazy". The fact that it's apparently so powerful that those affected can't be reverted just makes it seem overpowered. The object itself would actually probably be Safe class—nothing seems to happen if no one enters the range of effect.
I recommend getting the base idea polished up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft. Go to that forum, post a quick summary of the concept you want to write up (don't link the draft unless someone asks), and reviewers there can help you make this into something more worth drafting.
Alright so I now understand I have a lot to change including the effects, grammar, and presentation. I would like to know what affects would be most effective with this type of object either through this thread or some Forum. Thank you for your help.
I would like to know what affects would be most effective with this type of object either through this thread or some Forum
You've already got the new thread here: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-5710253/idea
