Umibōzu - Needs Review
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/magikyeti
Been a while and a name change. Still getting the rust shaken off. Would appreciate any and all critique.
hey
Umibōzu - Needs Review
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» Umibōzu - Needs Review
Summary:
Monk of the sea.
Radiological scanning of SCP-XXXX's containment chamber suggests the entity is able to [DATA EXPUNGED]. SCP-XXXX is theorized to perform this due to [REDACTED] of its individual atoms.
I am not sure as to why you would be expunging and redacting here. I would fathom that the SCP performs some manner of nuclear reactions to break down atomic bonds and move around protons to transmute things into H2O. It does not see worthy of expungement or redaction here.
The entity is fluent in Japanese Sign Language (JSL), and communicates by forming human hands.
I find this a bit too contrived, as if you simply want it to be communicating with Foundation personnel. If the creatures originate from the 13th century, why and how would it know something that is rather contemporary? Perhaps there can be a reasoning, but I think it can be a bit off-putting.
Alright, you have described a creature with some distinct feeding traits. However, I find it to be a bit disjointed in its story.
The initial description suggests of it being like an animal of sorts, and then you highlight its human-like intelligence and an incident involving the creature. The final addendum brings in an entirely different element, which barely suggested in earlier sections (perhaps the human-like intelligence, but I find that to be a weak hint). If the creature is truly a monk who decides to remove foreign incursion into Japan, does its current actions resonate with the MO you have placed upon it?
Overall, I think you ought to align the SCP's MO and current actions more. I am not saying that you must have a foreigner-killing Japanese sea monster, but there should be some congruence – the creature might well have forgotten what it was supposed to do.
And also, while I suppose the story suggests that the monk became the SCP, I doubt it would have been taken as fact to the Foundation so readily. After all, can they even prove that the SCP was formerly the monk?
Understood. I can see how it would seem a bit disjointed, I've been poking at this and editing intermittently, so the narrative has changed multiple times since the initial inception. I also get the redaction being unnecessary, and the contrived JSL part. Originally I had interview logs in place where that was a somewhat important aspect.
In terms of the conceptual issue, I had this in my mind but didn't accurately put it out. Overtime, the "brain" silicate matter described (which was the original monk's body, I realize this wasn't well elaborated) degraded to the point where it became an entity where it didn't discriminate friend or foe, yet still had a large level of intelligence.
EDIT: Updated the article to better represent this.
hey
Significant updates complete. I feel like I've made the article a bit verbose, but I believe it should more accurately express the idea.
Hope I'm doing this right, I forget if you're allowed to bump a thread for update announcements looking for additional critique.
hey
MINOR NITPICKS:
is able to manipulate protons, neutrons, and electrons to be identical to H2O. This process appears to be impossible to replicate with inorganic matter, including regular water.
this can be changed to
is able to alter subatomic particles present within organic matter, producing H2O.
has the consistency of a highly viscous liquid
this seems redundant. Try:
is highly viscous
Luckily, SCP-XXXX-A was detected
Avoid language that could be interpreted as emotional. Replace "Luckily" with "eventually".
Janitor Davis
When people are mentioned, they should be initially introduced with their full name. Also, I'm pretty sure that "Janitor" is not the kind of position that warrants a title. They do a great job, but they're typically addressed as "Mr." So, just say
[First Name here] Davis, a janitor working on-site
The "ceremonial knife" described within appears to be able to change the human body at a molecular level, given adherence to a specific ritual. Research into the item's whereabouts are ongoing.
I think this should be classified as XXXX-02, since it seems to be part of the anomaly. You can mention this in the containment procedures: MTF-Whatever is looking for SCP-XXXX-02, etc.
THOUGHTS:
Object Class: I'm not entirely sure whether this should be Keter. Yes, it will eat people if you forget to feed it, but the same could be said for my cat. And although it PREFERS human flesh, I don't see why you can't feed it with pork chops or something. My definition of Keter is that no containment procedures can fully protect you. You have a good set of procedures here: They seem like they can have this thing properly locked up til kingdom come. Consider downgrading to Euclid.
Special Containment Procedures: These seem thorough, and except for the crane arm thing, this guy will stay under lock and key.
Description: I like how you managed the levels of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Pretty much anything you erased would have simply been boring and unnecessary.
Discovery: So, this is actually something from folklore? I know virtually nothing about Asian mythology, so I can't really say anything about how you represented this creature.
Addendum: THANK YOU for actually explaining the containment procedure. I dislike it when these things, which are an integral part of containment, get expunged. Unless its something better left to the imagination (110-Montauk), it should be present in the document.
Killer. Implemented the minor nitpick changes, those seem pretty good. Going through:
Class, I agree with. Originally, I felt as if the entity was breaking out enough to quantify a keter classification. However as time went on from initial discovery (realized there were some time discrepancies in there as well, whoops) the containment has gotten pretty solid. In terms of discovery (and source), this is my personal take on the Umi-bōzu (Sea Bonze) myth from Japanese folklore, which is a ghost in the form of a water monk that destroys boats and kills travelers that speak to it. The violent reaction to interviews and "inability or unwilling" to create sensory organs was a call-out to that.
Addendum has been fixed up, the notion of the knife being XXXX-1 is logical. Thanks for the critique, I feel like a few more revisions and go-overs might make it site ready.
hey
I forget if you're allowed to bump a thread for update announcements looking for additional critique.
Per: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-2295410/how-to-use-this-forum-drafts-and-critiques
| Don't announce minor changes! You can announce major draft revisions and/or additions. We don't need to know every time you added a comma. |
(Hopefully) Final draft revisions complete. Mostly fixing discrepancies and narrative inconsistencies (plus some wording I didn't like). Would appreciate review to confirm if the end product is good enough.
hey
/forum/t-5707367/umibozu-needs-review#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
