Hello, I recently had this good idea for an SCP that involves the spirit-like beings from Japanese mythology, Zashiki-warashi and the concept of spiriting away. This is a first draft so I am not expecting it to impress but I would like some feedback on it. Thank you.
I know this is an integral point of the piece, but reading "it cannot be contained" really burns my brisket. The foundation is an international network of some of the greatest minds and most knowledgeable people on the planet, surely something can be done! I'll admit that this particular SCP has more excuse than others, given that it covers a large area, but if you think really hard, you'll probably think of some creative ideas to get this thing under control. Some examples include:
-Since you can see through this thing with thermal imaging, you might be able to predict instances due to change in hear around the area or some other environmental phenomena.
-It could target specific individuals (ex: individuals with mental illnesses, individuals who have a history of going missing) that could be monitored.
-If you're wedded to the idea of it being unpredictable, (and this might be even worse than the "cannot be contained stuff, but if you play with it it might fit lol) invent some object or procedure that could prevent manifestations. Does building structures with a certain type of material protect its inhabitants? Does burning a specific amount of a specific incense/wood/meat every X number of days keep this thing at bay? Try stuff out.
-If it really can't be contained, prevented, or explained, give a history of what has been tried and how it failed. It adds a little bit of meat to the article and a sense of dread/power.
The other big issue I have is your use of [REDACTED]. When pertaining to the kimono, it's not a thing that would need to be removed. Think of why a member of the foundation would be compelled to remove this. How could knowing the date of the kimono have adverse effects? The most glaring example of misuse of redactions is the identity of SCP-XXXX-2. WHAT IS IT? You haven't included enough information in the article for readers to reach any conclusions, or even make the mystery scary. It just comes across like you didn't know what to put there.
Lastly, when naming SCP-XXXX-1 or SCP-XXXX-2 in the file, keep the full name in. XXXX-1 or XXXX-2 don't comply to the accepted formatting rules.
Thank you for the critique. After posting the first draft I started to have the same thoughts when it came to the "uncontained" sentence and the -2 entity and will omit them in future drafts while still fleshing the article itself out. Also thank you for catching me on not including the full name in. I will make sure to fix those mistakes in the coming week.
Hiya, heres some thoughts and critiques on this :D
Containment:
- Everything can be contained in some way, whether its just the affect or the actual location, it can still be contained. This however does not mean it won't attempt to break containment/breach, it happens alot actually, a good example is the famous "hard to kill lizard" who constantly breaks containmnet. That being said, saying it can't be contained is sort of a disliked thing on this website apparently. Therefore I would go back and look for a way it can be contained.
- What are the procedures the foundation use to keep people out?
- What are the procedures used to keep entities in?
Redaction:
- Why redact the shape/form of xxxx-2? why do this? I'm curious, and I would think the foundation would want personal to know, seeing as not alot of information is here other than that, they should know what it looks like in case it is dangerous. I feel this is a bit lazy, adding an entity that can't be seen, but can still be described is an entity that can still be described.
Little info
- There is very little information here, little story, little evidence of anything really. It makes me think alien abduction combined with spirited away concept. In reality this is very very bland, and theres too little of information here, I would love to know so much more as the idea itself is really really cool and interesting. Have you taken this to the idea forum? It might help you get more of a story and idea of what exactly is going on here.
- I would also say add something, like an addendum/recording of sightings, if your going for the abduction/spirited away vibe, I would deffinitly try to get an interview with someone who observed this happening, or had it happen to.
Victims
- what is it about the victims that make the entites decide them. You say suitable, what about them is suitable? I would feel, even if noone survives, a pattern could be formed by the victims if there is a factor of descriptors that the entities follow.
What?
- so this is an scp that breaks other scp's out? why? what reasoning is there? once again there is little information and reasoning. Also why do these cause breeches, where do they take them? and I feel by now the foundation would have come up with some way to stop them/contain atleast the xxxx-1 entites. The foundation has delt with this stuff before, they have delt with teleporting entites and spacial anomalies, and would have countermeasures, heck the foundation has fought multiplying cakes before, they're literally prepared for just about anything. I really really suggest taking this to the idea forum, and if you have already done that, run it by some irl friends. It just feels overpowered, also it should already be keter if containment is that hard, actually if its impossible I would think maybe thaumiel, but this just doesn't really reach either because theres so little info on it all.
Redacted
- Everything redacted here does not need to be redacted, and might actually add more info if it wasn't. The redacting almost feels like it was lazy.
Overall
- Overall this idea is fantastic, but there is little to drive it, its just an alien abduction story, without a story. Its highly overpowered and uncontainable, two things which aren't really well liked because to be honest, aren't realistic. once again I would take this to the ideas forum, see what others think. AS said there are many spatial and teleporting based scp's which are contained quite well, I would look up how they did it and use that as inspiration, I would also do some research on the spirited away concept, along with abduction theories and even the quantum theories of spacial anomalies and teleportation. This can be turned into something great, it just needs more to it, and less redactions. Theres a story somewhere, you just have to bring it forth from the eternal abyss of chaos and cupcakes with the power of wit and creativity. I know you have it in you, because you know what the heck the spirited away concept is.
Thank you for the critique and encouragement. Yeah you are right I probably should try to take this to the idea forum and ask for some suggestions there. Maybe this is too big of a concept of an SCP to handle as my first one. I don't want to give up this idea but I probably will have to wait to rewrite it until I have a better understanding on how to make this SCP believable.