Okay, uh… I took a quick look at this since it was on page 3 with no replies. First things first—it's kind of a pain to open six collapsibles when one is all you need, especially since each collapsible only contains a small paragraph test log that most people wouldn't consider long enough to bother collapsing in the first place.
With regards to the writing… it's not really clinical or particularly enjoyable. For example:
SCP-XXXX-1 is an anomalous 12 x 12 centimeter photograph of a killer centipede, with the caption "I've got it from here." The effects of SCP-XXXX-1 are activated when a person views the photograph in its entirety. 12 hours after viewing the photograph, the victim (designated as SCP-XXXX-2) will lose all control of their actions. SCP-XXXX-1 appears on the first day of school each year in Mountain Trail High School in Montana, and disappears on the last day of school each year.
- You never state what SCP-XXXX is.
- "killer centipede" is not an actual species. If it's an actual centipede, you should also put the Latin name (for example, Scolopendra gigantea). If it's not a real centipede but a photo of something made-up, then that should be noted in a professional manner.
- "The effects of SCP-XXXX-1 are activated when a person views the photograph in its entirety. 12 hours after viewing the photograph" > sounds like the effects are activated 12 hours after.
- "the victim (designated as SCP-XXXX-2) will lose all control of their actions" > seems like a standard compulsion. We've got a lot of those. Take a look at the articles tagged with "compulsion".
- Furthermore, the SCP's effect forcing someone to do something tends to be a bit of a lame narrative, since things are more interesting if there's a struggle involved, and/or if the people instead do terrible things of their own volition.
- Consider reading through the further discussion on the narrative issues of compulsion and addiction effects.
- Loss of control in itself can be pretty scary, but as noted, it's a fairly commonly-trod path, especially for the horror genre.
- "SCP-XXXX-1 appears on the first day of school each year in Mountain Trail High School in Montana," > how did the Foundation figure that out?
- Keep in mind that as the author, you know the entire story, but the Foundation needs to have discovered what it knows about the SCP object through observation and experimentation. You'll need to convince your reader that someone with no prior knowledge whatsoever of the anomaly managed to somehow figure out (not magically know!) all the information you've got in the article.
- and disappears on the last day of school each year. > what about seniors who end early, or the like?
- SCP-XXXX-1 only appears inside of lockers designated with numbers divisible by 3. > Again, how did the Foundation figure this out? Also, is this solved by just re-assigning numbers to the lockers, or just having them be listed by letter combinations instead?
And then you move on to note, "Instances of SCP-XXXX-2 are inclined to ruin the victim's life in any way possible" even though SCP-XXXX-2 is the victim. And then later you note the outward calm but inward distress. It's confusingly presented. Also, how is a centipede related to people being forced to cause themselves harm?
I recommend getting the base idea polished up in the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft. Go to that forum, post a quick summary of the concept you want to write up (don't link the draft unless someone asks), and reviewers there can help you make the idea more interesting and give you some advice on structuring the eventual article for smoothness of reading and narrative.
