Review and Critique this pls
Can might anyonw review this scp of mine http://scpsandbox2.wikidot.com/AndarielHalo
Review and Critique this pls
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» Review and Critique this pls
Summary:
Like The Room, this is my life
Item: SCP-69sofine
Don't.
Object Class: Euclid or maybe Safe who cares
Literally everybody who wants to know this thing's containment level.
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-A is housed at the [Insert Name] Memorial Wing of Foundation hospital.
I don't know if SCP-A is your SCP or an instance of it. Please don't put [insert name], it makes the draft look intentionally incomplete.
Room [Disclosed Upon Request Level 3 Personnel or On-Site Personnel].
You could just put black bars or expunge the data so unauthorized personnel can not access the information.
Due to aberrant cessation of bodily functions, no visitation or attendance by nursing staff is allowed except *during scheduled daily inspections conducted by Foundation medical personnel.
You're trying too hard to sound professional. I underlined a missing word.
SCP-B is kept on-site in Cabinet [DURL3] in the Site Director's office. Use of SCP-B is to be monitored by Site Director or a designated subordinate at all times.
Okay, now I know there are two instances of the SCP.
This doesn't really seem like an anomalous entity. It seems to be more of a highly complex brain imaging machine. Simply having it be the most powerful or only one known of doesn't make it special. Also, it appears that your instance of SCP-A is just a human that used the machine.
Addendum thing:
Can we format properly please? I can't really take this seriously if the author themself is not going to.
As of 20xx, scientific breakthroughs at the University of California, Berkeley in the field of neuroscience have generated a "brain imaging" system functionally identical to SCP-B's output, although the means by which SCP-B generates its images is unknown, and based on use by SCP-A, far exceeds current brain imaging and MRI technology as of 2018.
At this point, the SCP is no longer special. If it can be replicated so easily, what exactly is so anomalous about it? That nobody knows how it works? That it's better at imaging than the one the Californians made?
anomalously recording a wide range of thoughts, dreams, ideas, and information.
Anomalously recording? At this point, I can't take this draft seriously anymore.
Beginning at this time, Pelar came into possession of SCP-B and began to make use of it.
How? Why?
where she exited the assisted living facility with SCP-B and proceeded on foot to her final destination5. SCP-B was nowhere to be found (The Foundation recovered one of the surviving iterations from the assisted living facility)
Oh, so a person in an assisted living facility can just walk out with a device that was not taken away from her when she was initially put into the facility? And there are multiple iterations of that device? And these devices are just lying about for SCP-A to pick up? Are they generated by SCP-A? Does any of this make sense?
Personally, I can't continue to read this. This thing is a mess and your apparent lack of care to even properly format your draft only annoys me further.
It's a draft. Chillax. You are overly belligerent with regards to some formatting.
As well,
"It seems to be more of a highly complex brain imaging machine. Simply having it be the most powerful or only one known of doesn't make it special."
"At this point, the SCP is no longer special. If it can be replicated so easily, what exactly is so anomalous about it? That nobody knows how it works? That it's better at imaging than the one the Californians made?"
That actually is exactly what makes it special. It cannot be replicated by the process described as in place at the university. Anomalous doesn't mean paranormal. The focus isn't on the device itself in part because I am in no way qualified as an engineer or scientist to make it about the device. The device is just a device; the story is about a woman who has never said a word since 6 years old creating a whole new world and a new persona essentially inside of her head.
I will make some of the changes and fixes.you suggested but unfortunately much of your criticism is fixated on the format and the device. There's not much I can do about that.
"You're trying too hard to sound professional."
That's how I usually talk/write, dudicles
Apologies for getting too excited.
The device is just a device; the story is about a woman who has never said a word since 6 years old creating a whole new world and a new persona essentially inside of her head.
I did not find the parts about the woman as obtuse as the device, so I neglected to mention most of her anomalous characteristics. I.e. SCP-A was, for the most part, okay. I , however, would regard SCP-B as the contents of the video recordings from the device if what you said is the case. Even then, they're just recordings.
Anomalous doesn't mean paranormal.
I understand that, but if the device can be recreated, what is to say that the process of the device can not also be studied and understood? I did not see any mention of studies conducted on iterations of the device to see if the process was at all similar to that of the identically functioning device at the university; only that the device was better quality than what was produced at the university. SCP-B could just be a really high quality brain imaging device, but for some reason is given a designation despite that the main focus is on the anomalous behavior that occurred within SCP-A's head. Unless SCP-B: is the only thing that is capable of playing the videos, only thing capable of recording her thoughts, is generated by SCP-A, or allows SCP-A to make predictions with it on, it appears to be just a normal item that SCP-A used to record her mind. As it was stated that multiple iterations were found of the same device. What's to say she didn't just happen to steal or find a highly advanced piece of technology? Basically, if it is the only device, is generated by SCP-A or, has been observed on other subjects to also produce predictions, or has been tested with no conclusive idea of how it works as it is beyond human perception, yeah, I would concede it's pretty anomalous.
Also.
These recordings largely take the form of high quality video recordings featuring Ms. Pelar,
SCP-B is a semi-functional head mounted display device that has intermittently engaged in brain scans, allowing the user to record brain waves and generate low quality visual renderings of dreams.
This is a pretty big inconsistency.
Again, I did not intend to get as excited with my critique as I did, and I apologize if you felt attacked. I will refrain from consuming 5 cans of soda a day from now on.
What would you recommend for the device ? Function anomalpusly (They break it open and find it is filled with unused coffee filters) or some manner of detailed comparison with real life brain imaging
How about you sprinkle a little 'magic' into it? That is overused, but just have the report say something like "the device appears to have some extra-dimensional abilities that let it record the video segments and bring them fouth to the screen."
I made some changes along this line, as well as some other stuff
I'd just like to point out that you're much more likely to get quality responses if make your draft close to mainsite-ready as you possibly can before making a thread here. You may mean some things lightheartedly, or be aware of formatting issues that need fixing, but other people have no way of knowing that you already know. It saves everyone time if you take care of that stuff first.
"…Memorial Wing of Foundation hospital…" » "capitalize "Hospital"
"SCP-A is a Caucasian female Samantha Pelar…" » "named Samantha Pelar"
"SCP-B is a semi-functional head mounted display device…" » Only semi-functional? It seems to be pretty functional. What else could or should it do?
"These recordings are made on a set of xx Betamax cassettes, compatible with SCP-B." » Please include a Betamax recorder/player unit in the description of the SCP. I like the technology choice.
"…in a special school." » "…in a school specializing in the support of autistic students."
"…[REDACTED] Inc" » Inc. doesn't need a comma, so you're fine excluding it, but it does always get a period.
"The video contents from SCP-B amount to a total of 97 hours of footage…" » Consider giving this giant stack of video tapes its own sub-designation, it might make the description clearer.
"A detailed account of a fictitious Battle of Aleppo occurring between the years 2012 - 2016 as part of a larger nonexistent civil war Note: Events as described in the video were found to have happened within a high degree of correspondence to the actual battle." » I would find a way to date the tapes, to really underline the anomalous nature of Samantha's dreams and predictions. I agree with not making this a footnote: keep it in the body of the article. Consider changing to: "Events as described in the video had a high degree of correspondence to the events of the actual battle."
"A detailed account of a fictitious battle between Chinese and Vietnamese forces unfolding between 2004-2005 under the name of nonexistent nation-states." » "…with the involvement of several nonexistent nation-states."
Overall: I like where this is going. My instincts would be to expand on the human details, inspire stronger sympathy and feeling for Samantha. Her story is already very sympathetic - the image of her 'self-love' dream is particularly moving. Her dreams give some good insight, but I'm not clear why she is in a vegetative state (except that she predicted she would be).
/forum/t-5721150/review-and-critique-this-pls#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
