Okay, here we go, commenting on this as a quick read since it fell to page 3 with no replies. Of note, I have not read 967, and I did not prior to reading this, since I feel like that may be the case for people who see this on Recently Created.
Here we go:
- So, you start off with a sentence that seems like quite the run-on. It's also not immediately clear who the words "they" and "them" are referring to.
- The next sentence is not properly capitalized.
- In the sentence after that, I find it odd that the apparent main character seems more concerned with finding the alleged "scrap man" over taking a closer look at the body to determine if the story actually holds any weight.
- Also, shouldn't at least one person stay by the body? Why does everyone have to leave it?
- The fact that there's a more pressing issue for the scrap man over the dead body kind of lessens the horror. The body almost seems like a comparatively insignificant prop.
- Additional sentences afterwards do not have proper capitalization. Remember to capitalize the first word in each sentence. Not doing so can make a piece look sloppy, and if an author can't bother to get the basics right, it makes a reader feel like they might as well not bother reading.
- The phrasing of "you hear screaming and run to it" doesn't quite make sense. You can't run to screaming, but you can run to the source of it. Or the location.
- Similar phrasing oddness in "find a pool of blood on the ground, but whoever it was is gone now". It sounds like the pool of blood was someone but is now gone.
- Agent Smith sounds kind of… unprofessional and overdramatic. And admittedly unnecessary, since when does the Foundation need a contract before amnesticizing someone? And since when do they need to obtain permission to contain an anomaly, especially if the person they're obtaining permission from doesn't have any control or jurisdiction over the anomaly?
- Anesthesia is pain-dulling drugs. You want amnestics.
Overall… the plot is weak, the characters aren't well-developed, and the premise seems a little shaky since it comes off as more of an introductory creepypasta than a coherent tale with a solid beginning, middle, and end.
Did you get the concept hashed out in the chat or Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you started drafting this?
