Okay, here we go. Commenting on this since it's fallen to page 4 with no replies, today is a busy day, this is a quick read. These are my thoughts:
- First off, line spaces, please! You've got a wall of text effect happening here, and with everything squished together, it all feels kind of jumbled and disorienting for a reader. Put a line space in between every paragraph and line of dialogue with a new speaker.
- The problem with tales that are told entirely in dialogue is that you run the risk of the audience just getting kind of bored or confused. Why are there so many ellipses? Is it to imply that the speaker just kept rambling, or that someone else is sitting there listening, but never saying anything?
- Can I see your I.D. real quick, make sure your important enough?" > you're
- Yeah, sounds like something a 12 year old would make, but it was there. > is this meant to be meta? It feels a little too meta.
Overall… nothing really happens. It's just some person talking about a bunch of random anomalies, with a bunch of freaky stuff happening in the first incident and the rest just sort of… getting less and less detailed from there on.
I dunno about this. The premise itself seems kind of weak, and given that 048 is kind of taken as a joke by the audience these days anyway, it can be a little hard to expect people to actually believe that the Foundation just messed up so many times by continuing to assign dangerous anomalies this number.
Maybe consider more of a plotline with some character development, and take the base idea to the Ideas and Brainstorming forum before you try fixing the draft.
