The Boiling Heart
Would like critiques on this SCP written by someone with little experience.
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/neighthoven
The Boiling Heart
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» The Boiling Heart
Summary:
Would like critiques, thank you.
Alright. It's been a while since I've given a critique, but hopefully this is useful for you.
So right away, your technical writing looks solid. If I catch any mistakes I'll point them out.
SCP-XXXX is to be contained in a room with a length, width, and height of at least 60 meters,
Is there a reason this specific size is needed? I know the SCP has a heat thing, as well as dumping -2 instances, but that seems excessive for an object only 3x5 meters big.
There is a large whole
"Hole". I don't mean to nitpick spelling errors. Just thought I'd point it out.
Although, this liquid behaves exactly like water.
This sentence is really awkward. I would suggest removing it. Most people will picture water anyway for a liquid.
burning at temperature of 980 degrees Celsius on days Monday through Friday and 880 degrees Celsius on days Saturday through Sunday
This sentence is also awkwardly written, and a little hard to read. I'd suggest changing it to something like:
burning at a temperature of 980 degrees Celsius. Once every five days, starting on Saturday, the temperature will change to 880 degrees Celsius. This will last until the next day.
Aside from that, I didn't really catch any glaring issues. Your writing is rather solid.
It's your concept that is the largest problem. Your SCP idea would be considered a thing that does a thing. Honestly, your concept is more of just a thing. Back in the early days, this was what most SCP objects were. But now, there is an expectation for an SCP to tell some sort of narrative. It doesn't have to be long, or even complete. But the idea is that the SCP documentation should tell us something about the world around it, rather than being a clinical documentation of an anomalous object.
So I'd have to say that is your biggest problem here. The idea is decent imagery, but it's not entertaining to a reader. There is nothing there for a reader to latch on to, no hook that makes them say "I have to upvote this!" I would suggest taking it to the Brainstorming Forum if you'd like, so people could help you figure out some way to expand the concept.
A good general hint is to think of a tone, story, or mood you want to create, then make the SCP around that to help facilitate such a reaction in your reader.
I hope that was helpful. Good Luck with your writing!
Thank you for your critique although i have a few questions.
1. The room dimensions scaled to the actual entity are a bit funky because of me trying to find volume and then going to radius and meters being funky. Basically the heart itself is supposed to be the size of about 2 men so how should I scale it then? Give the entity a radius of 20 meters?
2. When you talk about a narrative, do you mean something like an incident report? or something more lore related such as a retrieval story?
The little writing esc. problems have been fixed.
1: I'd say making it bigger might help. It would also give it some stronger imagery. I'd also suggest adding drains to the chamber, so the liquid it produces is removed.
2: A recovery log could certainly be part of it, but I'd suggest looking at the bigger picture. What is this thing? Why does it exist, and why does it do the things it does? What is important about it? Basically, you should strive to translate these questions into answers contained in your SCP, as a sort of narrative. You want something to draw readers in and make them feel like they spent their time on something with depth. So think beyond the base item, and imagine how it would fit in a story about itself. The SCP documentation serves as a format to tell this in a more interesting way.
Edit: To expand on that, since I'm feeling I didn't explain myself fully. Take a look at SCP-3441, my favorite from this month. Give it a read, it's not too long. Now, what was it about? There are two answers.
1. The SCP
2. A story about a doctor using the SCP, and how he struggles to balance his desire to help others with his ego.
If I had to pick, I'd say the second is the most interesting aspect. It uses the SCP to tell something interesting within the context of the SCP documentation. That's what you should be striving for.
Thank you for that clarification. I will be aiming to create a sort of story like that although it may slightly change the properties of the SCP. Unless if actually changing the SCP to fit this is a bad thing.
I believe my changes for the article are now finished and would like some thoughts.
Ok, so I gave it another look. Unfortunately, I don't think the new additions here are enough, or even that great. A recovery log would make sense for this thing, but what's presented here isn't very interesting, and degrades into melodrama by the end.
What I would suggest is taking a step back, and looking at your SCP from a larger perspective. Its properties, as well as its shape and features seem to imply the existence of something larger; after all, a heart exists to keep something alive, right?
So, conceptualize your SCP as a part of something. Doesn't have to be a creature or entity, but something that is bigger in scope or concept than the SCP itself. When you've figured it out, you want to add hints to your description that would indicate that. Maybe throw in some addendum that also venture close to explaining the role this SCP has in this larger picture. You can spell it out completely, but alluding to something more subtly might go over better.
If you are having trouble in that regard, try posting a short summary of the SCP to the Brainstorming Forum.
/forum/t-5732468/the-boiling-heart#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
