revision of my first draft
http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/the-telekinetic-8ball
-provide criticism not just insults-
revision of my first draft
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» revision of my first draft
Summary:
i need constructive criticism
(account deleted)Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX is to be kept on a shelf away from the pool table to keep it's anomalous effects from activating while not under surveillance; this is to prevent any deaths. It is kept in an 18x18x9 meter room.
- If its effects can only occur when it is on a billiards table, then a more sufficient containment procedure would be to keep it within a case that prevents the ball from making physical contact with a table;
- Why does a small object require such a large space?
The description block is such a large mess that I'm not going to bother giving it a line-by-line - organize sections depending on the actual description, table of effects, item recovery, etc.
The subject will feel overconfident. Many subjects had stated they had biggest sexual desires realized and security cameras have picked up some humanoid shape entering the D-class containment; the humanoid shape has been dubbed XXXX-02.
- What is this? Where does this come from and what significance does this have to the item or its containment?
Addendum: After interviewing the manager and other employees at ████ █ ███████, the ball was bought off of amazon after the 8-ball they had been using previously had shattered. An investigation concerning the amazon account ████████████ has been conducted, but the identity of the creator of SCP-XXXX has not been uncovered. Other anomalous objects found been found during the investigation and are in containment currently.
- Seems like a rather throwaway statement, that someone would be openly selling anomalous objects on Amazon, rather than through more secure channels.
Overall, this draft is very disorganized and has the appearance of being rushed and cobbled together from spare parts that do not fit together. I would firmly downvote such an item if it appeared on the site.
Do you think you could review my SCP, I have been waiting hours, I tried everything but still no criticism, if you can I would very much appreciate it.
Doctor, Alex Write.
Dr Write, please refrain from soliciting feedback for your own drafts in other people’s threads. It decreases the liklihood that they will be able to get attention for it by increasing the post count, and is generally rude. Be patient.
Heres the code for bulletin points:
Place a * before a sentence to create a bulletin point.
- [The thing you want bulleted]
- [Other things you want bulletining on the list, repeat as necessary.]
As for your SCP, It is very clumped up and there is a lot of ";" symbols that are unnecessary.
You need to learn more about clinical tone, you are speaking nothing like a researcher would.
Example:
Many subjects had stated they had biggest sexual desires realized and security cameras have picked up some humanoid shape entering the D-class containment; the humanoid shape has been dubbed XXXX-02.
Heres a try at a clinically toned spin:
Most winning subjects state they have an abnormally large sexual desire, security cameras picked up a transparent humanoid entity entering the D-Block; The entity was dubbed XXXX-2 due to the fact XXXX-2 is never present until the winning subject had returned from testing.
To learn more about clinical tones, here is a guide:
http://www.scp-wiki.net/clinical-tone-declassified
Doctor, Alex Write.
/forum/t-5734145/revision-of-my-first-draft#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
