SCP Foundation

So, right away, a lot of the dialogue feels a little stiff and a little formal. It feels… out of place. Half the dialogue is at odds with the other half, stuff like:

“It’s already 16:47, mates.

That might be better as "We're already late, lets get moving" or just "Come on." It seems a little weird to reference the exact time. At the very least do something like: "It's… 16:47, we need to get to the armory." That sounds more natural, something a human might actually say.

“Red Team - your pointmen will be given MP5-K PDWs and a SCP 1911-1. Blue Team, your breacher will get a M870. Rest of you will receive the HK416.

This also feels a little robotic. Maybe something like "Alright, you know what to do. Pointmen, grab your MP5-Ks, breacher gets a shotgun. Everyone else grab a rifle and get moving." Or, you could cut out most if it by just saying "Alright, arm up and get moving." That's all that's really necessary. Also, why have you put SCP in there? From what I can tell, this isn't the foundation. This is just a generic SWAT force thing.

At least you can do fully auto. I’m stuck with 12 gauge here. I get to take out all my anger on door handles. Door handles.”

Full auto is the generally used term, and I might say "I have to take my anger out on door handles, Fucking door handles." Also, don't you shoot the hinges not the handle?

googles it

Nevermind, apparently you can do either.

“If you have to, when you have to…”, Skarkin mimicked shooting the MP5 “, go bang, bang. Don’t freeze.”

This seems a little bit poorly written. I would replace it with:

Hey, if shit goes down and you need to, you know, bang bang, don't hesitate. No time for last minute morality, philosophy, whatever. That'll just get you killed.

That seems a little more natural.

Magazine: IN
MP5: LOADED, PROPRIETARY HK SLAP
Condition: OFF SAFE, SEMI-AUTO
Vest: FULLY FILLED
1911: LOADED, SNAP HOLSTER IN PLACE
God: ?

This seems very wrong. If he's doing a mental checklist, it shouldn't be like that, it should be something like: "Weapon loaded, round chambered and safety on. Vest is in place and filled, pistol's loaded and holstered. Good to go.

And yes, the safety should be off, they're in the helicopter not on site. No point in risking accidentally shooting somebody for no reason.

The blast destroyed the door handle, as well as most likely stunning anyone in that room.

Really? Is that the best description available? You might as well put something like:

"Zero." A fraction of a second's delay, and then a powerful thump swept the room as the charge detonated, setting his ears ringing and blowing the door wide open.

That sounds much better.

Alright, thats it for writing.

Okay, I really liked the ending. Thing is though, a lot of the text before it is unnecessary. Ask yourself, what is the scene where they arm up actually adding to the article? Nothing that can't be easily put later on. I think you should try and make this short and sweet, have just enough content to have the reader get what's going on before the big reveal. I would suggest keeping the general concept, but rewrite it, starting just before they enter the building. It shouldn't take too long to do, as its a short tale.