Okay, taking a quick look at this since it fell to page 4 with no replies. Here are my thoughts:
Plenty of wording quibbles evident from the start:
- SCP - xxxx is to be help > held
- in a standard anomalous object vault at Site-##. > why a vault as opposed to a locker?
- To prevent exposure to its ███████████ radiation > it's assumed in-universe that the containment procedures are always in place for a good reason, so technically these sorts of explanations aren't needed. That said, try to avoid censoring anything in the description that would be important for people handling the thing to know about.
- SCP - xxxx must be packaged in a lead and platinum alloy container. > lead I can understand, but why platinum? Why is an alloy needed at all? Platinum is quite a bit more expensive.
- Access to SPC -xxxx > SCP
- requires an individual of security clearance level 2 or higher to send a formal request for withdrawal to the site manager. > seems excessive. Just state "Level-2 clearance and permission from the Site Director"
- SCP-xxxx is one (1) > Generally, the number (#) numeration is used for extreme precision measurements that can be fatal if misinterpreted, like drug prescriptions. Alternatively, it's for legal reasons to avoid ambiguity. You don't need to do that here.
- Tests via spectrophotometer reveal that the item absorbs all ultraviolet light in the visible human spectrum. > what about visible light?
- However all sentient individuals shown SCP - xxxx > dogs are sometimes considered sentient. Were dogs questions about this to obtain this information?
- Subjects tasked with reading SCP - xxxx aloud report different stories. > stories in the book?
- First the main character is identical to the reader, including clothing and physical markings like scars and tattoos. > vaguely reminiscent of SCP-1230 (A Hero is Born)
I admittedly started losing interest in reading when I started to hit all the blackboxes. There's only so much legwork you can expect a reader to do before they just decide to move onto something else. I'm also not a huge fan of the "At this point Subjects become hostile to site personnel, attacks include subjects attempting to steal weapons from security officers." bit—we already get a lot of concepts that attempt to use compulsions to make things interesting and add violence to drive the drama. Doesn't always work.
Furthermore, the SCP's effect forcing someone to do something tends to be a bit of a lame narrative, since things are more interesting if there's a struggle involved, and/or if the people instead do terrible things of their own volition. Consider reading through the further discussion on the narrative issues of compulsion and addiction effects.
Have you tried using the IRC chatrooms yet? I might be good to head there to hash out this concept/draft in real-time with reviewers.
