My first SCP
This is not finished yet but I want some feedback on it so far. Be as hard on it as you can after all this is my first draft. http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/brianbobinsky
My first SCP
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» My first SCP
Summary:
[thread locked, repeat]
By no means is this a bad concept, it's just another "mysterious thing that kills you", and it needs a lot of grammar work, most of which I noted below (side not, use the metric system)
SCP-XXXX is a green gas that holds an extremely infectious and dangerous substance that when inhaled it will break down the nervous system and it will make the brain swell up to the point where the brain will bleed from the pressure causing the infected organism to immediately die.
This entire section feels a bit over the top and not very scientific. You may want to use different wording than "extremely infectious and dangerous", such as elaborating on the means of infection (I assume inhalation) and maybe just lose the dangerous, as a reader can infer that from the effect of the gas. Also, maybe break this into two or three sentences.
substance that when inhaled it will break down the nervous system
when inhaled, it will/when inhaled will
the victim will rise up in an extremely aggravated and violent
the victim will seemingly reanimate, and will be highly aggravated and violent
SCP-XXXX got its nickname from being discovered in the basement of Victor Krone.
maybe just say it was found in his basement, and let readers deduce where the name is from. Since everything past this is stated in the containment procedures, you also may want to remove it
Thanks for the feedback, I am a newb at this type of stuff so thanks!
Welcome to the SCP wiki!
Right off the bat, did you first check with brainstorming and ideas before starting a draft on your SCP? I recommend you recheck and try to gather advice from others. Okay.
10 by 10
It’s 10x10
The tank should be suspended 6 feet above from the ground and it has to be locked as tightly as possible and should be pressure checked every two hours by Mobile task force Beta-7 and when pressure is too high, Beta-7 will release the gas in a controlled environment.
The tone sounds too causal, the overall wording is mediocre and sounds very run on, and we measure in meters, not feet.
In the event of an breach all foundation personnel should immediately flee the area.
Remeber to check grammer and spelling. This needs a comma (,) between breach and foundation.
The victim will now be called SCP-XXXX1. SCP-XXXX1 will attack and proceed to [DATA EXPUNGED] brutally killing the victim of SCP-XXXX1, infecting them in the process.
Two things. One, it’s very cliche with a killer gas that makes killer ‘zombies’, two, it sounds very similar to SCP-008
Overall, recheck and revise, try to make a more unique or interesting SCP by first checking with the brainstorming and ideas forum.
I don’t know how much experience you have, but you asked and I answered. I am new myself and want to help others improve with me.
Thanks for you recommendations. I will definitely take them into account. Thanks for the feedback!
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page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
