Keeping it Chill With Your Homies Down at The SCP Foundation
rating: +256+x

Act II - Scene V


Spotlights go up on a view of Michael Handler's office, which is stage right. We see Michael briskly walk in from offstage right and enter his office, phone pressed up against his head. Far stage left, we see Henry Ozid, spotlit in an office chair, who is on the phone with Michael.

MICHAEL
Alright, just got back to my office.

HENRY
Great. Just go ahead and check your email, I just sent over the latest copy of the PR video.

MICHAEL
Wait, why didn't Crystal-INE do it?

HENRY
Crystal-INE is… down at the moment. They had some issues earlier, probably due to the whole database scouring that's going on right now.

MICHAEL
Well then…
(taking a seat and making a few clicks on his computer)
Uhhh… yep, here it is. KICWY-

HENRY
Perfect. Now, I'm gonna have to warn you, this video isn't going to be… well… easily understandable.

MICHAEL
Wait, what does that mean? It's gotta be good enough for the public, Henry, so it should be fairly easy to comprehend.

HENRY
Well, we wanted to make it more oriented towards a… younger audience, so we tried to make it a little… cooler? Like, with "memes" and "slang" and stuff.

MICHAEL
Oh god, I'll see, but you know I of all people can't understand this generation any more than anyone else.

HENRY
Look, just… give me a ring if anything stands out, alright?

MICHAEL
(sighing)
Fine, fine. Talk to you later.


Michael closes his phone, Henry's spotlight goes out. Michael makes a few clicks on his computer, and then sits back, watching it intently. Lights go up on a heavily graffiti-ed brick wall with the SCP Logo lazily pasted on. An instrumental version of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley begins playing as Chandler Wentworth and Evelyn Ledd enter from either side of the stage, wearing baggy lab coats over colorful tee-shirts, alongside athletic shorts, socks, and sneakers, and most notably, generic blue baseball caps, worn with their rims facing backwards.

CHANDLER
Wuzzup, party people? I'm Foundation Researcher, Chaz Wentworth!

EVELYN
And I'm his friend, Evvie-Swick! And together we are…


Evelyn and Chandler each cross their arms, and lean against each other, facing out towards the audience, and either side of the stage.

BOTH
The "Supah Cool Peeps"!


A cartoon "Boing" sound effect plays.

CHANDLER
Today, Evvie-Swick and I want to talk to you dope fricken memelords about a lit organization made to keep all of you safe and able to go about your normal lives!

EVELYN
That's right, Chaz! A lot of people have been saying some mean things about SCP that makes us very sad, but we want to tell you that it's all a bunch of yucky baloney! In fact, let me tell you guys a secret. The SCP foundation has stopped the world from ending over 9000 times!

CHANDLER
How crazy cool is that? It makes me want to…

BOTH
Hit that da-da-da-daaaabbbbb!!!!


Evelyn and Chandler each make a shoddy attempt at dabbing, much to the chagrin of an onlooking Michael.

EVELYN
Yeet!

CHANDLER
Yeet!


Michael clicks his computer, causing lights to dim on Evelyn and Chandler, freezing them in place. Michael opens his phone and presses a few buttons. Spotlight goes up on Henry.

HENRY
Hello, this is Doctor Henry Ozid, Site-96 General Research and Containment.

MICHAEL
Henry, it's Michael.

HENRY
Oh, hey Michael. Did you take a look at that video yet?

MICHAEL
That's what I'm doing right now. And uhhh… what the hell, is this some kind of joke? They just did like… a dab or something, and now they're both going "Yeet" or whatever the hell. Isn't that a cuss word?

HENRY
I don't… think so? I looked it up earlier and it said that yeet means "To discard an item at high velocity."

MICHAEL
What? But Chandler and Evelyn both just like… said it randomly, without any context. This has to be coherent if we want to release it to the public!

HENRY
Look, Chandler's pretty young and in-line with this generation, I think he knows what he's doing, and he said kids these days just say "Yeet" all the time, by itself. So… whatever, you know?

MICHAEL
Alright… I trust you, Henry. Talk to you soon.

HENRY
Bye, Michael.


Michael hangs up, and unpauses the video.

EVELYN
But seriously, squad. The SCP Foundation tries finna hard to make everyone on earth safer, by containing dangerous or weird stuff.

CHANDLER
Of course, that doesn't mean weird is a bad thing, but we wouldn't want something anomalous walking around, would we?

EVELYN
Whoa there Chaz, epic use of the word "Anomalous". Do you kids know what "Anomalous" means? I could tell you myself, but I think I have a very good friend who would love to tell you instead! Come on in, 999!


Crystal-INE, wearing a large foam costume reminiscent of orange slime, shambles in from upstage left.

CRYSTAL-INE
(goofy voice, flamboyant movements, very clearly malfunctioning throughout)
Hiya kids, I'm SCP-999, and I love helping people! I want to help you by teaching you a big word. "Anomalous". That's A-N-O-M-A-L-O-U-S! Something is anomalous when it does not follow the general rules of normal society! Now, would a criminal be considered anomalous, since they do not follow the rules? Certainly! However, we're using it to mean something a little different. Here, the word anomalous means something that doesn't make any sense. Like myself! I am anomalous, because I am a living blob of slime!

CHANDLER
Wow, that's a thicc description, 999! Thanks so much for coming!

CRYSTAL-INE
Oh, my pleasure Chaz!


Crystal-INE turns, and begins to walk off. In the process, a large chunk of foam breaks off of the costume, and lands on the floor. A cartoon "Bonk" sound effect plays. They quickly bend down to remove it, but freeze halfway through the motion. The same "Bonk" sound is played. Evelyn quickly runs over and drags them offstage.

Michael pauses the video. He places his forehead into his palm and takes a series of deep breaths. After a few seconds, he sits back up and unpauses the video.

EVELYN
Now that you know what anomalous means, let's talk a little about some of the anomalous things we have at the foundation, and why our work is so savage! I mean, we could contain slender man, we could contain Dame Tu Cosita, we could even contain big chungus! Chaz, what's your dopest favorite scp?

CHANDLER
Evvie, I know just the thing. Last thursday, I was in charge of a monthly event with SCP-4252, one of the resident anomalies here at Site-96. SCP-4252 is this wacky room full of—you won't believe this—baked beans! The room fills up with baked beans every month, and then we summon a magical bean leprechaun with a spell! And, wanna know the craziest part? He eats all the beans right there and then! If that isn't an "are slash dankmeme", than I don't know what is!

EVELYN
Ahh, that's hot, Chaz. Totally fire. But, sadly, fam, a lot of the anomalies we keep are actually hecka mean, and that makes us feel "no me gusta". Our biggest job is to keep you all safe from them, but for some reason, haters keep trololololling us by saying we are bad and we should destroy our company, and it just makes us want to do surgery on a grape.

CHANDLER
But here's the thing, home-slices. We actually do a ton of great things for humanity as a whole. We eradicated dysentery, kept a fungal disaster from spreading, and we've trapped countless monsters who, without our help, would probably be going sicko mode on our tushies!

EVELYN
Now, I think it's about time we talk about the thing you all want to know about. And no, it's not fortnite. It's our very own D-Class Boyeeees. Here at the SCP Foundation, we get help from our epic D-Classes to test out the anomalous effects of various creatures and places that we want to know more about. In fact, we have someone you might want to meet. Come on out!


D-411 walks slowly onto screen and stands in between Evelyn and Chandler. He is visibly uncomfortable.

D-411
Uhhh… ello there. I'm D-411, but you can call me Glenn. I uhh… I used to be a bad guy, I stole a bunch of stuff and injured some people trying to escape, but I got caught. I was in jail for 4 years before the SCP Foundation offered me a job. I've been here for a little while now, and uhh… it's better than jail. Other than taking a science test and talking to some old dude in a bathroom, I've just been chillin'.

CHANDLER
D-411, is your life hella sweet now that you've become a D-Class Personnel?

D-411
I mean, I guess. You know, I'm still not free, but at least I feel like I have a purpose. You know?

EVELYN
Terrific. Well, thanks for Netflix and Chilling with us, D-411, that was really swag of you!

D-411
Yeah okay whatever.


D-411 exits. Simultaneously, a slide whistle is heard moving up, and then back down.

Michael pauses the video. He opens his phone and holds it up to his face.

MICHAEL
Hey, Siri. What is "Netflix and Chill"?

SIRI
"Netflix and Chill" is an Internet slang term used as a euphemism for sexual activity, either as part of a romantic partnership or as an invitation for casual sex.

MICHAEL
(sighing)
Oh for crying out loud.


Michael scribbles something on a sticky note before unpausing the video.

EVELYN
How "Le Epic" is that? D-Class Personnel are actually treated great at the SCP Foundation! We take them out of prisons where they don't want to be, and let them stay with us, as long as they help with a few science experiments.

CHANDLER
And yes, sometimes the experiments are dangerous, but we do them because we want you dope peeps to be chillin on Earth for a long long time, and if we didn't have our D-Friends to test stuff for us, we might not have enough information to keep everyone safe!


A 1940's cartoon era "Aooga" sound effect plays.

EVELYN
Well, fam, that's our cue to leave you guys alone. But I hope you dudes and dudettes keep everything we said in mind. And remember, as long as you focus hard and get a lot done, you, too, can save the world!


Chandler and Evelyn wave at the audience as the lights dim and go dark on them.

Michael takes a moment to collect himself before opening his phone and dialing. Spotlight goes up on Henry.

HENRY
Hello, this is Doctor Henry Ozid, Site-96 General Research and Containment.

MICHAEL
Henry, I just finished the video.

HENRY
And… what did you think?

MICHAEL
I don't even know where to begin, I mean I… I…


Michael stops for a second, visibly pondering, and growing more worried.

MICHAEL
Henry… when did Laura say this video was due by?

HENRY
Sunday, April 22nd, by 4:00 pm.

MICHAEL
And what time is it right now?

HENRY
(checking watch)
Sunday, April 22nd, 3:42 PM.

MICHAEL

HENRY

MICHAEL
(resigned)
Thank you Henry.


Michael hangs up the phone and places his head in his hands for a few moments. Sighing, he reaches under his desk and pulls out a half empty bottle of scotch and a glass. He pours himself a shot, drinks it, and clicks on his computer. Blackout.

COMPUTER
Video sent.

End Scene

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