Item #: SCP-016-J
Object Class: Euclid
Standard Containment Procedures: SCP-016-J is to be kept in an armory with other explosive devices, all of which must be smaller than SCP-016-J. Use of SCP-016-J outside of testing is prohibited. Conversation is (whilst not encouraged) permitted.
Description: SCP-016-J is a ballistic missile approximately 2.4 meters tall and 0.3 meters in diameter. Rude comments have been spray painted on all parts of SCP-016-J, obscuring the original paint job. These comments include "Cock Block This!" and "I hear you like it rough".
SCP-016-J is capable of telepathic communication with any living being within four meters. While researchers have been reluctant to give interviews, information from said interviews suggests SCP-016-J is both sapient and sentient. SCP-016-J insists on being used in battle, and claims "to have been on the front lines many times".
Addendum SCP-016-J-1: Below is a partial transcript from an interview with SCP-016-J.
SCP-016-J: C’mon doc. Just fire me. You know I’ll satisfy you.
Dr. Teller: We’re not going to use you. We’re not fighting any wars or anything.
SCP-016-J: Oh, I think you’re just scared. You’re afraid because I’m the biggest missile you’ve ever seen. You don’t know how much I’m going to hurt. But you can do it. I’ve seen your silos, just waiting for me. I’ll fit.
Dr. Teller: But you’re not even that big…
SCP-016-J: What do you mean? I’m huge!
Dr. Teller: No, I’ve totally seen— never mind. Yes, you’re the biggest missile I’ve ever seen.
SCP-016-J: So just aim me toward the battle field. I just want to explode all over some trenches.
Dr. Teller: Ok, that’s it. I’m ending this interview.
SCP-016-J: No, don’t stop. Talk ballistic to me.
Addendum SCP-016-J-2: After continued insistence from SCP-016-J, and agreement from researchers that SCP-016-J's destruction would improve workplace morale, a test of firing SCP-016-J was conducted.
SCP-016-J was aimed at a target 100km away and fired. During the flight, SCP-016-J greatly reduced in size, measuring 0.5m long, and 0.15m in diameter two seconds after launch. Upon impact, SCP-016-J failed to explode. When questioned about the test results, SCP-016-J responded, "this never happens to me".
