SCP-4679
rating: +13+x
idontactuallylikecarbonara.jpg

fig. 1.1: Carbonara made following directions from SCP-4679.

Item Number: SCP-4679

Object Class: Safe

Threat Level: Blue

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-4679 is contained within a standard anomalous item containment vault at Site-39. Access to SCP-4679 is granted only to personnel with Level 2 or above clearance. Inquiries about potential tests are to be forwarded to Head Researcher Slavica Randall.

Description: SCP-4679 is the designation for a paperback cookbook titled "Recipes to Win", authored by "Tim & Daryl". The book has no blurb or summary on the back, except for a single phrase which reads "If you wanna eat like a king, you gotta earn it!". When an individual attempts to eat a meal created while following directions from SCP-4679, they will be subjected to an obstacle course.

SCP-4679 is 356 pages long, and has 310 recipes within it. These recipes are quite varied, with no distinct theming throughout the book. After a recipe has been completed, a small obstacle course will manifest in front of the individual who had attempted to eat the meal. This is themed around the meal that was created, and has one or more obstacles depending on how extravagant/rare the meal is seen as. It is not possible to go around or behind the obstacle course, as attempts will be impeded by an unseen barrier. If the obstacle course manifests within a space that is not large enough for its size, the space will be altered physically to accommodate for it. Despite this, the exterior of the space will not be changed.

When the obstacle course manifests, the aforementioned meal will vanish from its position and reappear on a podium located at the end of the course. In the event of the individual failing to complete the course, it will immediately vanish along with the meal.

If the individual successfully completes the obstacle course and acquires the food, the obstacle course will immediately vanish and the individual will be able to consume their meal. After the course is completed and vanishes, a gold-painted medal will manifest on the individual's person. Analysis of the medallion shows that it is made from plastic.

Addendum: Recovered Audio

Numerous times during tests, radio waves of 7 to 9 megahertz have been reported being emitted from the meal while it is on the podium. The following file is an audio log of the waves emitted during a test on 3/23/2020. Note that the test subject, D-88932, was chosen for their exceptional athletic abilities.

[During the entirety of this recording, a sound akin to radio static can be heard in the background.]

UNKNOWN-1: Aaaaand heeeeeere's the show! My name is Tim, and…

UNKNOWN-2:my name is Daryl.

BOTH VOICES: Welcome back to The Main Course, only on 871319.3 Fm.

UNKNOWN-1: The only radio show where ya get to listen to two people commentating on another person trying to win an obstacle course made of food. Nothing else like it!

UNKNOWN-2: Nothing else!

UNKNOWN-1: Nothing else.

[Silence.]

UNKNOWN-1: So, today's dish is… drumroll please… spaghetti bolognese! What a dish, eh?

UNKNOWN-2: Who doesn't like spaghetti bolognese?

UNKNOWN-1: Only deadbeat criminals dislike spaghetti bolognese! Right, folks? Right! So, our contestant down there is another guy in orange clothes!

UNKNOWN-2: Heh, we've been getting a lot of them lately! It's the newest fashion trend, everyone!

[Both voices laugh for ~20 seconds.]

UNKNOWN-1: Heheh, so it looks like this guy is doin' a little stretch before he takes on this course! Always a good decision!

UNKNOWN-2: Yep, ya gotta keep yourself stretchy if ya wanna take on one of our obstacle courses! Stretchy like spaghetti!

UNKNOWN-1: Aha, I get it! It's 'cause the dish today is spaghetti!

UNKNOWN-2: I have good jokes.

UNKNOWN-1: It looks like this guy's gonna start now… and he's off! Let's see how he fares on the Spaghetti Swingers!

UNKNOWN-2: If any of y'all haven't heard of the Spaghetti Swingers before, here's a little recap! It's a bunch of spaghetti ropes, and ya gotta swing from them to the end! Also the ground is a pool of bolognese sauce!

UNKNOWN-1: Woah Daryl, you spent a bit too much time explaining that! He's already halfway through the course!

UNKNOWN-2: What.

UNKNOWN-1: Ahem, I said he's already halfway through the course!

UNKNOWN-2: N-no. Impossible.

[Silence, and then an abrupt sound of a fist slamming on a table.]

UNKNOWN-2: GOD. DAMMIT. I THOUGHT IT WAS HARD. HOW.

UNKNOWN-1: …I… maybe he just had a lot of practice!

UNKNOWN-2: …maybe.

UNKNOWN-1: Well, let's just focus on our contestant for now. And golly, he's as quick as a cracker! He's almost done, he– uhp! Ah, that was close! Our contestant almost fell, but luckily he grabbed onto the next spaghetti rope in the nick of time! Aaaaand he's won!

[A bell sound effect plays.]

UNKNOWN-1: Now that was fast! How was he such a speed demon?

UNKNOWN-2: I guess he was hungry.

UNKNOWN-1: A… a good lot, no doubt! I bet his stomach was growling like a leopard!

UNKNOWN-2: Yeah, he was sooooo fucking hungry.

UNKNOWN-1: [Inhales through clenched teeth] Daryl, you can't say that! There are kids listening!

UNKNOWN-2: Who cares? I put so much time and effort into making that course, and he just breezes through it without a care in the world!

UNKNOWN-1: Daryl, you know we're supposed to cheering these folks on.

UNKNOWN-2: Why should the cheering only last for five seconds?!

UNKNOWN-1: I… I don't know, I just…

[Silence.]

UNKNOWN-1: …a-anyways, that about wraps it up for this one! Make sure y'all at home buy our cookbook, Recipes to Win if you wanna get a chance to appear on our show! And as always, ya gotta earn it if ya wanna ea-

[At this point, the radio static abruptly becomes louder, drowning out the vocalizations.]


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