rating: +12+x

Special Containment Procedures: Objects that make up SCP-5367 are to be stored in standard anomalous item containment lockers. Personnel with Level 2 Clearance may submit a formal research proposal to Dr. Yvonne Praxis to gain access to SCP-5367 instances for further testing.

Description: SCP-5367 is the collective designation for the set of three devices sold as "Dr. Wondertainment's Quantum Teaching Resources" with the subheading of "For when the classical way isn't working". Devices that comprise SCP-5367 are "The Quantizer", "The Diffractor", and "The Entangler", which have been designated as SCP-5367-1, SCP-5367-2, and SCP-5367-3, respectively. Refer to the individual descriptions included below for more detailed descriptions of each SCP-5367 device.

Item Description: SCP-5367-1 is a small, crescent shaped device with a leather grip on one end and a rainbow pattern covering the other. The words "THE QUANTIZER" are located along both sides of the device in large, metallic silver lettering and the words "Made by The Factory" are engraved underneath the grip. On the convex edge of the device, on the rainbow covered end, a green button of radius 1cm sticks out. Above the green button, a screen of dimensions 3cm x 2cm displays a pixelated message reading "THE QUANTIZER" when the device is not in use.

SCP-5367-1 instances appear to convert subjects it is pointed at into various electromagnetic waves for the purpose of "quantizing" them into a discrete numerical value. What the presented value means, and how it is determined by SCP-5367-1, is currently unknown.

A set of initial experiments were conducted by the research team led by Dr. Praxis to determine the properties of SCP-5367-1.

Experimental Procedure: SCP-5367-1 is aimed at a subject and the green button is pressed. Observations are recorded and included in the below table.

Subject Observations
Pan troglodytes (Common Chimpanzee) The chimpanzee erupted into various colours of light and light beams were sucked into the aperture. Screen on SCP-5367-1 flashed through a series of diagrams showing different wavefunctions and calculations derivative of the Schrodinger Equation for approximately 30 seconds. The screen showed "Please wait while the student is quantized" before the number 105 appeared on the screen. The device's aperture then opened back up and shone a bright light towards the direction of where the chimpanzee was previously standing. After 5 seconds of bright light, the chimpanzee was returned to its initial form. The chimpanzee was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.
Tursiops truncatus (Common Bottlenose Dolphin) The device acted on the dolphin as observed in test 1 and presented the number 220 after completing the quantization process. The dolphin was then subjected to physiological analysis conducted by Foundation staff using x-rays, genetic testing, and a battery of minor tests. No anomalous aspects were observed during analysis.
D-1526 The device acted on D-1526 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 305 after completing the quantization process. No psychological issues were noted after this test.

The device acted on D-1527 as observed in prior testing and presented the number 0 after completing the quantization process. Upon being returned to the room by SCP-5367-1, D-1527’s epidermal layer sloughed off and subject began to seize. D-1527 expired after 14 minutes on continuous seizing and blood loss.

Researcher Note: It appears, after re-watching security footage during Test 4, that a fruit fly entered the space between the aperture and D-1527. Based on the disastrous outcome of test 4, we ask that all further testing with SCP-5367-1 be ensured to have a free field of view between the subject and SCP-5367-1.

Discovery Log: SCP-5367 was discovered by Foundation Webcrawlers after encountering a blog post to ███████, a popular local teacher's forum, by Ms. ███████, a new teacher in Calgary, Alberta, Canada (See blog post included below). Ms. ███████ identified that she had been sent an advertisement for SCP-5367 by mail shortly after being offered a teaching position at a local charter school (See advertisement included below). As of 2020/07/22, Foundation staff have blocked the delivery of 3756 copies of the advertisement from reaching new teachers across North America and have pulled it from advertising sections of 54 local teachers' union newsletters.

Foundation Webcrawlers are to search periodically for any further advertising from the "School Funification Division" and are to make Dr. Praxis aware of any new advertisements or products discovered.

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