SCP-5595
rating: +83+x
2/5595 LEVEL 2/5595
CLASSIFIED
classified-lv2.svg
Item #: SCP-5595
Safe

gumball.png

SCP-5595

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-5595 is to be contained within the Site-322 cafeteria and is allowed to roam freely within it. Respectful communication with SCP-5595 is encouraged and personnel may purchase a gumball from SCP-5595 after asking its permission. SCP-5595 may ask questions pertaining to the foodstuffs staff are consuming; this is considered an acceptable extension of its duties.

Should SCP-5595 attempt to exit the cafeteria, it is to be escorted to a Safe-level containment chamber.


Description: SCP-5595 is an unbranded gumball machine fitted with a steel body and glass dome that acts as its visual and auditory organs. The metal cap and keyhole is locked and efforts to remove the cap are ongoing; all current attempts at unlocking it have failed.

SCP-5595 is sapient and is capable of intelligent speech via a hidden speaker system in its main body, although its voice is highly modulated and barely intelligible at times. SCP-5595 is capable of locomotion by use of wheels attached under the legs of its stand. These legs enable it to hop short distances, allowing it to ascend and descend staircases. SCP-5595 has a tendency to topple over, often requiring personnel assistance.

SCP-5595 was recovered in the first-floor lobby of Site-322, claiming to be "the Substitute Site-Director" after Site-Director Paul Lague took a personal leave of absence. Recovery protocols were enacted; SCP-5595 was subsequently captured and placed in a Safe-class containment chamber. A paper notecard was found taped to SCP-5595's dome, which read "Heard you needed a pinch hitter :) — Happy Pals Command"


Addendum One — Primary Interviews


The following interview was conducted with SCP-5595 following its initial recovery.


DATE: 03/24/2017
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Anthony Croix
SUBJECT: SCP-5595


«BEGIN LOG»

(SCP-5595 is standing directly against its door, peering out of the window. Dr. Croix knocks.)

Dr. Croix: Move back, please.

(No response or movement. Croix knocks again.)

Dr. Croix: We're going to have a quick talk. Just to figure everything out, okay?

(Squeaking from its wheels as it rolls towards the interview table. Dr. Croix enters.)

(He takes his seat. SCP-5595 stands near the other end of the table.)

Dr. Croix: We probably have no use for that other chair.

SCP-5595: YES.

Dr. Croix: How about we start with names? I'm Dr. Anthony Croix. What would you like to be called?

SCP-5595: I AM SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: (Pause) Alright. So, let's start out with the elephant in the room here.

(SCP-5595 moves back and forth, supposedly nodding.)

Dr. Croix: We have a Site-Director already, Dr—

SCP-5595: YES DOCTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: No. Dr. Paul Lague.

SCP-5595: I HAVE HEARD OF THIS PAUL LAGUE. IS HE NOT ON LEAVE?

Dr. Croix: Yes, Director Lague is on a short vacation, however that doesn't mean—

SCP-5595: YES, THEN THERE IS NO SITE-DIRECTOR FOR THE TIME BEING. MAKING ME, (Static for three seconds) SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD.

Dr. Croix: I'm afraid that's not true.

SCP-5595: YOU'RE GOING TO LOOK ME IN THE FACE AND TELL ME I AM NOT SITE-DIRECTOR MATERIAL?

Dr. Croix: (Pause) That's not what I'm saying. We have a site-director.

SCP-5595: WHO IS NOT HERE. YES. IT HAS ALREADY BEEN SETTLED. BACK TO WORK, DOCTOR, I HAVE SITE-DIRECTING TO DO.

Dr. Croix: I'm afraid that's not how it works, and we're not finished yet. We need to know what the “Happy Pals Command” is.

(SCP-5595 wheels over to Dr. Croix and pushes against his chair.)

SCP-5595: A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME. TIME TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND PROTECT. UP AND AT THEM. (Croix stands. SCP-5595 ceases pushing the chair.) THAT IS THE SPIRIT.

Dr. Croix: (Whispering to control.) Entity is belligerent, may need guards to extract me.

SCP-5595: HELLO YES CONTROL, (Static for five seconds) PLEASE BRING ME TO MY OFFICE. DR. CROIX IS HOSTING A MUTINY.

Dr. Croix: (Whispering to control.) Ignore it. Just send guards. Honestly, it won't get far, but Lague'll be mad if we have to report a breach while he's away.

«END LOG»

SCP-5595 resumed standing against its door with its dome portion against the window, supposedly staring out of it. The following day, it commenced ramming itself into against the door for 29 continuous hours before emitting static for another 23 continuous hours. Dir. Lague returned during these events and attempted another interview.


DATE: 03/27/2017
INTERVIEWER: Site-Director Paul Lague
SUBJECT: SCP-5595


«BEGIN LOG»

(A rhythmic metal tapping overlayed with the sound of static is audible. Lague approaches the door and the behavior ceases.)

Dir. Lague: Hello?

SCP-5595: AH, YOU HAVE RETURNED. ENTER.

(Lague enters.)

Dir. Lague: I've heard a bit about you.

SCP-5595: YES, I WAS SITE-DIRECTOR GEOFFREY QUINCY HARRISON THE THIRD IN YOUR STEAD. SADLY, DUE TO TRAITORS LOCKING ME IN THIS PRISON, I WAS UNABLE TO SECURE AND CONTAIN AND PROTECT.

Dir. Lague: Gotcha. I read the transcript when I came back, saw you gave Dr. Croix quite the earful.

SCP-5595: DR. CROIX IS A DIRTY CONSPIRATOR. I ARRIVE FOR NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BEFORE I WAS ASSAULTED. (Static) WHAT KIND OF PLACE ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?

Dir. Lague: Take a breath, there's no need to get so worked up. (Pause) Let me cut to the chase, there’s a few things I need to know. One: Who are the “Happy Pals Command?”

SCP-5595: (A beep followed by static for twelve seconds, then silence.)

Dir. Lague: Repeat that, please.

SCP-5595: APOLOGIES. FROG IN MY THROAT. THE HPC EXISTS TO MAKE YOUR LIVES BETTER, EASIER, MORE FUN. (Static for 32 seconds)

Dir. Lague: (Mumbling) For the love of God. (Static from SCP-5595) Ok, next question: You are aware of the Foundation's motto, and our job hierarchy. What else?

SCP-5595: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

Dir. Lague: I assume the Happy Pals Command told you more information about us. What do you know?

SCP-5595: THAT'S ABOUT IT. I THOUGHT I WOULD BE BRIEFED WHEN I ARRIVED.

Dir. Lague: I don't exactly believe you.

SCP-5595: ARE YOU CALLING ME A LIAR?

Dir. Lague: Does the black moon howl?

SCP-5595: THE MOON IS WHITE, DUMBASS.

Dir. Lague: That was a long shot. (Pause) Let's move on. I walked into the midst of your outburst, which had been going on for three days—

SCP-5595: YES. I WAS FALSLY IMPRISONED.

Dir. Lague: Uh-huh. Anyways, when I leave this cell, are you starting that up again?

SCP-5595: MOST LIKELY.

Dir. Lague: And I assume you won't get tired out.

SCP-5595: THAT IS CORRECT.

Dir. Lague: I see. As a former site-director, you should know that distractions such as your noises really don't help anyone.

SCP-5595: NEITHER DOES FALSE IMPRISONMENT, WHICH DOES NOT ALLOW ME TO FULFILL MY DUTIES.

Dir. Lague: Mhm, so, here's my problem: we had over fifteen complaints about the ruckus you caused. I can't have that continuing… I'm at a loss for what to do with you.

SCP-5595: LOOK HERE BUCKAROO, I'M A GOOD ASSET TO HAVE. YOU'RE LUCKY THE HPC SENT ME OVER THE REST OF THE SHMUCKS THEY HAVE THERE.

Dir. Lague: How should I believe that? How can I know that you're the best?

SCP-5595: I HAVE YOUR INTERESTS AT HEART. LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO.

Dir. Lague: From what I saw in the tape, you're not a danger to anyone.

SCP-5595: NOT YET.

Dir. Lague: Hmm… how about you investigate the Level-4 cafeteria. I heard there were some oddities in there.

(Silence)

SCP-5595: THAT SOUNDS LIKE BULLSHIT.

Dir. Lague: That's all I have for you. If not, we could always just throw you in a padded, soundproof cell. I just have to sign some paperwork and call it a day.

SCP-5595: I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT.

Dir. Lague: Thought so. Now, how about we save me some hassle, my employees some headache, and you some loneliness?

SCP-5595: I WILL AGREE TO THAT.

«END LOG»


Addendum Two — Further Incidents


SCP-5595’s investigations began on 3/30/2017. Surveillance logs show the entity interviewing personnel on their lunch breaks, and all around being an amicable, albeit somewhat intrusive, addition to the cafeteria.

Only one incident of hostility was documented from SCP-5595; a researcher attempted to purchase a gumball without permission to do so. SCP-5595 retaliated by pushing the researcher, requesting him to “buy [it] a drink first,” then rolling away.

SCP-5595 made a single discovery during the first eight months of its investigation. In a frenzied state, it demanded a meeting with Director Lague. Upon being granted one, it revealed that the kitchen staff had replaced mashed potatoes with mashed cauliflower in an attempt to “poison staff.” Director Lague thanked SCP-5595 for the vital information1 and allowed it to return to the cafeteria to continue investigating the foodstuffs.

Personnel are not permitted to inform SCP-5595 of the recently implemented diet program.

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License