SCP-CASH4D-J
rating: +48+x

Cash.jpg

SCP-CASH4D-J and its punchable face.

Item #: SCP-CASH4D-J

Object Class: Absolutely none

Special Containment Procedures: SCP-CASH4D-J is uncontained, because we're in a better place now as an organization. If absolutely necessary, it can be "summoned" by submitting a research proposal involving excessive and unproductive use of live human test subjects to any Site Director.

Limited funds have been earmarked for purchasing D-class personnel from SCP-CASH4D-J. Dickering protocol is mandated.

Security personnel must be warned in advance when SCP-CASH4D-J's appearance is expected. Personnel engaging with it must be warned in advance that its personality is exceptionally obnoxious. Personnel attacking SCP-CASH4D-J must not be demoted to D-class, as that rather defeats the point of the entire exercise, don't you think?

Also, we don't do that anymore. If we ever did.

Description: SCP-CASH4D-J is a Caucasian male, approximately forty years old with brown eyes, receding brown hair and spray-tanned skin, wearing a cheap blue cotton suit with a white shirt and green tie. Wait, is that a rat-tail back there, too? Eugh, I bet it is. SCP-CASH4D-J speaks in an exaggerated stage voice and smiles perpetually, revealing that its teeth have been artificially whitened.

SCP-CASH4D-J is able to produce any number of individuals fitting Foundation requirements for D-class personnel, whatever you personally think those requirements are. These subjects possess no problematic family or political attachments, and appear in no government records. Friends and relatives described by them do not appear to exist, nor do the victims of their various crimes, if any, which have therefore gone unreported (if they ever took place).

SCP-CASH4D-J only responds to frivolous or wasteful use of D-class resources. Careful, sensible, justifiable proposals do not interest it, and it will refuse to facilitate them with its services.

No attempts have been made to contain SCP-CASH4D-J. It had previously indicated that containment would prevent its procural of D-class personnel, forcing the Foundation to either a) reduce its use of said personnel in potentially deadly tests, or b) rapidly depopulate the Earth. While excessive, unnecessary live testing has declined precipitously since the mid-2010s, Foundation personnel have been reluctant to attempt containment of SCP-CASH4D-J because we've gotten really used to not having him around, honestly, and we don't miss him at all.

Any project proposals resulting in the appearance of SCP-CASH4D-J are subject to immediate Ethics Committee review, and deletion, probably.

Addendum CASH4D-J-1: Recorded interactions with SCP-CASH4D-J (selected)

2008


Dr. Polk: Alright, Cash, what've you got for us today?

SCP-CASH4D-J: A special on sex criminals. Cheaper by the dozen! Or maybe you're into murderers, mass or otherwise? Killers, singular or serial? Either way, I'm your go-to guy! [nervous laughter]

Dr. Polk: Cool, cool. Well, we've got another one of these fucking cube things? Or maybe it's a sphere, I forget. It's a mysterious geometric shape what does bad stuff, and we're just randomly exposing people to it now.

SCP-CASH4D-J: You want these suckers to have names, or just numbers?


2010

Dr. Rusch: There's this paintbrush, okay, and it explodes everyone who holds it? And the viscera looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Nifty!

Dr. Rusch: But, like, a specific Jackson Pollock painting. A different one, every time! We're just feeding D-class into it, trying to see if our favourites come up. Uh… for science.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Well, check out this gang of thugs I found wandering the streets of ██████ City! Plucked them right out of the middle of a turf war. Guess we know which side's gonna win, now! [nervous laughter]

Dr. Rusch: Can you teach me how to say the blackboxes like that?


2012

Dr. Polk: I'm looking for a few bad men. These ones should all have… blue eyes. We don't know if it disembowels people with blue eyes.

SCP-CASH4D-J: I've already sold you a lifetime supply of domestic terrorists. I mean, are you killing these losers off at the end of every month or something? [nervous laughter]

Dr. Polk: I thought you said they were vat-grown clones?

SCP-CASH4D-J: Tomato, tomato.

Dr. Polk: You're supposed to pronounce one of those differently. But look, we're buying in bulk and paying in cash, okay, so no questions asked.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Fair enough! It's their funeral. Funerals. Do they get funerals?


2014

Dr. Riber: Got anything in, say, wrongfully-accused assault-and-batterers? I'm looking for dubiously-guilty fellows to send on an exploration of a haunted house which slowly kills your brain cells, and I want to add some human interest to the test logs. Maybe one of them could have a sweetheart back home, and desperately not want to forget them. Tug at the heart strings, you know?

SCP-CASH4D-J: Just the thing! Just the thing. Ten rascals caught working for a drug-smuggling ring down at the Denver docks. They thought they were just smuggling fake costume jewellery! Poor slobs. [nervous laughter]

Dr. Riber: Denver doesn't have "docks." It's landlocked.

SCP-CASH4D-J: I never said they were good smugglers! [nervous laughter]


2015

SCP-CASH4D-J: You're twisting my arm, so how's this, one-time-only: a pair of baby-eating triplets.

Dr. Kwesi: Baby-eating triplets.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Hand to god.

Dr. Kwesi: Why only a pair? If they're triplets?

SCP-CASH4D-J: They ate the other one. When they were babies! [nervous laughter]

Silence on recording.

Dr. Kwesi: …okay, but I think you could expand that into more of a story.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Why does everything have to be a story, now?!


2020

Dr. Polk: What do you want?

SCP-CASH4D-J: I hear you're planning something super impractical, and I want in. What the hell are those?

Dr. Polk: Drones.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Drones? [nervous laughter] You want drones, I can get you drones. Okay, so, there's this awful factory in the past, right? And all the workers—

Dr. Polk: We don't… we don't do that anymore, dude. I'm sorry.

SCP-CASH4D-J: What do you mean?

Dr. Polk: We haven't found many sausage machine monsters lately, and even when we do, we don't usually feed people into them. Most of what we're working on now is high-concept weirdness, or manifestations of underlying societal tensions, or words that make your brain go funny, or unexpectedly heartwarming interactions with things what don't kill you. So we really don't need as many… axe murderers, or whatever you've got in your pocket dimension right now.

SCP-CASH4D-J: I know for a fact you're planning to explore a poorly-thought-out alternate reality today, and you've got eight collapsibles worth of drama to drum up.

Dr. Polk: Eight what?

SCP-CASH4D-J: Hmm?

Dr. Polk: …anyway yeah, that's what the drones are for. We've got robots now, Cash. Nobody has to get hurt.

Silence on recording.

SCP-CASH4D-J: Well that's just sick.


Addendum CASH4D-J-2: Staff are instructed to immediately discontinue referring to the products of our transactions with SCP-CASH4D-J as "ethically-sourced meat." This is not primarily an ethics issue. It's a question of logistics.

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